“I also dun knOw wat i want”

Greetings,

Today I had a long conversation with my father during dinner. Once again what was a simple talk with him left behind a deep realization within me.

He met someone recently who happened to be a high ranking officer in the army and after some lengthy talk, dad felt it actually was not such a bad idea after all for someone to sign on. He was convinced that even though signing on meant a lost of working experience in the outside world, it would mean that one can get a prestigious scholarship that almost guarantees a stable job in the government.

While I agree with him that getting a governments scholarship would probably help in landing a government job, I felt uneasy that one would go through all that just to find a secure job. I mean, just for the sake of money?

After trying to convince him that work should be more focused on interests rather than pay, he still insists that it all boils down eventually to the dough. This got me thinking about the path I think I am going to thread. Sure, one day I might land a job in my field, become a researcher… do some meaningful findings. Then what? Is that all? What of the times that I will definitely have to spend doing things I don’t like? Have I become “that which I feared most”??

A long time ago back when I was formulating my purpose and principals in life, part of my central idea was to get out of the deadlock of becoming like the huddled masses in society. Of people who spend their whole lives toiling on without a true purpose… working like zombies their whole lives to earn money, convinced that it is the correct thing to do. Convinced that because it is the norm in society it is the right way to spend a life.

Ending life with only the comfort that they have fulfilled the tasks people have expected of them. A sad sorry life of living till the end, the demands of normalcy. That was my greatest fear. To have lived a life that might as well have not existed because it does not make any difference at all. To live a life with no passion, no conviction to serve and no purpose. Just blind following.

It suddenly came back to me that I seem to be moving towards this path. That eventually I will become a slave to the cause to earn as much money as possible, in the hope that it will become meaningful eventually because ‘people said so’. If so, than signing on might actually be a good path to take. But how can I?! Have I fallen so far as to allow myself to succumb to living a subtle life? To blend into the gray?


Can I really retreat to live the normal life, to earn money and raise a family and pretend that I have done a good job of living a life? Can I really throw away the chance to make a difference? To pretend I never knew what a sacred thing it is to be conscious? To pretend I am not aware of how precious is this gift of actually being part of existence?

NO… never!! Over my dead body. There is only one path. And I will live my life only in the way that is of dedication, meaning, passion, conviction and purpose. I must, for only to salvage my purpose to exist.

I thank my father for making me realize this once again after such a long time.