Greetings again,
Recently it seems, life for me has been swinging from extremes. I know all too well that this might just be a period of “growing pains”. But little am I aware of the depth my psychology being affected. “losing it” perhaps that’s what they call. There were periods of time when I felt very alone. When it seems all the world owed me an apology for my feeling neglected. I felt like for all that I’ve done to feel welcomed or accepted, my efforts have been in vain. And that perhaps, it’s time to return the favor. We feel this way sometimes... don't we all?
I have felt hurt, that sent messages were not replied. I have had voiced out my protest to demand attention. But how sane are these actions? How much should I expect? Haven’t I suffered enough to expect the world to treat me better? A consuming bitterness.
It seems that, every time things start to look good. I forget how it came to be this way. Perhaps I have taken my pleasures for granted. Life for me it seems, have forgotten its value. I feel lost, there is no purpose. After all that I have done, I am still neither here nor there. Still so human, so ordinary. Why is everyone enjoying life but me? And indeed, fallen for the trap of humanity I did. Everyday, hoping that someone would save me from this torment.
Today was going to be another agonizing day of seemingly mundane nothingness. As usual, I woke up to check my hp. No one messaged. Yet another flash of discontent. As usual I lumbered to wash-up. Then switched on the computer in hopes of finding someone of my predicament to lament with.
A friend of my came online. Someone who I never felt would be able to understand my frustrated feelings. She said “hi” and I replied as a matter of routine, expecting yet another pointless casual talk. Yet today was different. She spoke of life, its meaning with regards to death. At once it regained my interests. Finally someone else who contemplates life like I do? It turns out that the treat of certain death was a looming in her family. A terminal illness. I tried to console her.
She spoke of her worry about her seeming helplessness. Of what can be done. I told her that perhaps she can help her loved one to accomplish final wishes. But that was out due to circumstances.
I told her that maybe she should spend more time getting to know the person better. Because everyone needs someone to talk to...and maybe when you talk to the person, you will know what can be done. I asked her to query about the loved one’s past… what were the dreams back when days were young and perhaps the ideals on life... and how best to live it. I told her perhaps she needs to talk to the people around her as well, because while the afflicted may be suffering physically... everybody else is suffering emotionally... and that she has to be strong to console the others too... that way... you wont feel like there is nothing you can do.
She spoke of being aware of that, but that shyness prevented her communication.
And I said,
“aha... shy... hmm... ya... can understand... but next time when u are old.. u will realise that its silly to feel this way.. miss out on alot of things.. its always gd to open up to ppl... not everyone can talk to ppl... but everyone needs to talk. Even if when u talk to them... they shun u or reject u... at least u hav done what u ought to do... and theres nth to regret... not everyone may like to talk to you... but u shld try to talk to everyone. life is short right... why keep it to urself in silence... let ppl know u care.”
Suddenly I realized I was really talking to myself. These were exactly the words I need to elevate my depression. Life is short, how could I afford to succumb so much time to all this meaningless bitterness? Where have all my values gone too… indeed I was so lost. Drowning deep in my sea of loathing. I have forgotten myself…
Recently it seems, life for me has been swinging from extremes. I know all too well that this might just be a period of “growing pains”. But little am I aware of the depth my psychology being affected. “losing it” perhaps that’s what they call. There were periods of time when I felt very alone. When it seems all the world owed me an apology for my feeling neglected. I felt like for all that I’ve done to feel welcomed or accepted, my efforts have been in vain. And that perhaps, it’s time to return the favor. We feel this way sometimes... don't we all?
I have felt hurt, that sent messages were not replied. I have had voiced out my protest to demand attention. But how sane are these actions? How much should I expect? Haven’t I suffered enough to expect the world to treat me better? A consuming bitterness.
It seems that, every time things start to look good. I forget how it came to be this way. Perhaps I have taken my pleasures for granted. Life for me it seems, have forgotten its value. I feel lost, there is no purpose. After all that I have done, I am still neither here nor there. Still so human, so ordinary. Why is everyone enjoying life but me? And indeed, fallen for the trap of humanity I did. Everyday, hoping that someone would save me from this torment.
Today was going to be another agonizing day of seemingly mundane nothingness. As usual, I woke up to check my hp. No one messaged. Yet another flash of discontent. As usual I lumbered to wash-up. Then switched on the computer in hopes of finding someone of my predicament to lament with.
A friend of my came online. Someone who I never felt would be able to understand my frustrated feelings. She said “hi” and I replied as a matter of routine, expecting yet another pointless casual talk. Yet today was different. She spoke of life, its meaning with regards to death. At once it regained my interests. Finally someone else who contemplates life like I do? It turns out that the treat of certain death was a looming in her family. A terminal illness. I tried to console her.
She spoke of her worry about her seeming helplessness. Of what can be done. I told her that perhaps she can help her loved one to accomplish final wishes. But that was out due to circumstances.
I told her that maybe she should spend more time getting to know the person better. Because everyone needs someone to talk to...and maybe when you talk to the person, you will know what can be done. I asked her to query about the loved one’s past… what were the dreams back when days were young and perhaps the ideals on life... and how best to live it. I told her perhaps she needs to talk to the people around her as well, because while the afflicted may be suffering physically... everybody else is suffering emotionally... and that she has to be strong to console the others too... that way... you wont feel like there is nothing you can do.
She spoke of being aware of that, but that shyness prevented her communication.
And I said,
“aha... shy... hmm... ya... can understand... but next time when u are old.. u will realise that its silly to feel this way.. miss out on alot of things.. its always gd to open up to ppl... not everyone can talk to ppl... but everyone needs to talk. Even if when u talk to them... they shun u or reject u... at least u hav done what u ought to do... and theres nth to regret... not everyone may like to talk to you... but u shld try to talk to everyone. life is short right... why keep it to urself in silence... let ppl know u care.”
Suddenly I realized I was really talking to myself. These were exactly the words I need to elevate my depression. Life is short, how could I afford to succumb so much time to all this meaningless bitterness? Where have all my values gone too… indeed I was so lost. Drowning deep in my sea of loathing. I have forgotten myself…
