The Pursuit of Happiness

Greetings,

Just a few days ago, there was this fasinating documentary on discovery channel. It was about the malleable human mind. At the time when I chanced upon the documentary, it was talking about the cause of maniac depression and the use of prozac, an anti-depressant.

An interesting question was popped, If prozac elevates depression, does over dose make a person happy? The researchers said no, and that they were not at the moment researching on any drug that can give a person the feeling of happiness. Which brings to mind, if such a drug is actually possible, what horrendous consequences would that bring? If the purpose of life is the pursuit of happiness, wouldnt that breed a society of perpetual pill-poppers?

Yet that is what happiness truly is when it manifests. A chemical reaction in the brain. Lack of a certain reaction, and you get depression. No matter how unjustified or advised, how religiously trained or mentally conditioned, it still boils down to the chemical reactions.

The documentary continues and tells about how the brain interpretes happiness. It is known that whenever we experience a sense of joy, there is increased brain activity in the left side of our brain. The more happy we are, the further back is the activity on the left side. What this suggest is that, the happiest person on earth, is probably a senior tibetan monk. Scientist conducted a MRI scan on the brain of meditating monks and discover that during meditation, the brain activity was not only on the left side, but further back than everybody else that was tested.

Infact, monks who practised meditation for years were so trained into controlling their minds, that by simply asking them to think of compassion, love, peace, they can dramatically shift the area of brain activity which is something that surprised the neurologists themselves.

In an attempt to test the powers of meditation, an experiment was conducted with 2 groups of volunteers from different walks of urban life. 1 group was to simply live their lives as per normal but to recieve MRI scans periodically. The other group, was sent on a regular 3 month long course on meditation where they learnt how to meditate. Results showed that the group which practise meditation, showed marked differences in brain activity compared to the control group. They had more activity further back on the left side of their brains. They were more happy, so to speak.

That the human mind, as is with the body, can be physically moulded by practice even if for just a short time, just as an athelete can mould his body is also shown in another study. London taxi drivers. Taxi drivers given brain scans by scientists at University College London had a larger hippocampus compared with other people. This is a part of the brain associated with navigation in birds and animals. The scientists also found part of the hippocampus grew larger as the taxi drivers spent more time in the job.

Throughout most of our lives, we tend to be taught to seek and pursuit happiness as an ultimate, sanctified and sacred purpose. It is a concept constantly preached by religious leaders and politicians alike. Yet now it is slowly being revealed that 'happiness' is actually more tangible, more malleable then we had ever previously thought. If the pursuit of happiness is the ultimate purpose in life, shouldnt we all start living in seclusion to meditate? Or develop a divine 'happiness' pill?

oh what madness....

Greetings,

Today I had my OC presentation. Which by the horrors was followed by a quiz later. My mind was with so much madness. Heres the speech I prepared...

Good morning mr seto and fellow classmates, I am Lim Yok Zuan. Thank you
everyone for giving us presenters today ur attention, eventhough there is a quiz
later. On behalf of all the presenters today, I Thank you.

There is a nursery rhyme that goes like this, “twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder
what u are.” You knw I remb when I was very young, after I listen to this
nursery rhyme, I ask my father. “ah pa, what is a star?” and he replied, “siao
ah, a star is a star la, ask stupid qns!”. So today, I will tell u ALL about
STARS.
(Click)
Do u knw that each time u look up into the sky and see a
star, u are actually looking deep into the history of our universe? Because
stars are so far away, light takes 1000s even millions of years to travel from
there to here. So what u see each time u look at the bright dot in the sky is
actually things that already happened 1000s and millions of years
ago.
(click)
Stars are so far away, yet they play a very significant role
in our existence. Today I will be telling u abt the life of stars, how stars
begin, how they live and eventually, how they may die.
(click)
In space there is a lot of hydrogen. Stars form when a critical mass of hydrogen clouds
in space get squeezed together by gravity so close that thermonuclear fusion
takes place. The hydrogen atoms fuse to become helium. This fusion of hydrogen
into helium releases huge amounts of energy in the process. This is why a star
shines. As long as the chain reaction is sustained, A STAR IS
BORN!
(click)
But it doesn’t stop here. As the star use hydrogen, it makes
helium. When it runs out of hydrogen, the core shrinks as it is no longer hot
enough to hold against gravity. It then collapses until the core becomes compact
enough for Helium to fuse, this time into carbon and oxygen. But even helium
runs out, now carbon and oxygen start to fuse into silicon and neon and so on
and so forth (click). As this animation shows, each time it collapses to fuse
new elements, it releases a sudden burst of energy that blasts off some of its
surface; the cycle repeats until eventually iron is formed in the core of the
star. Iron simply cannot fuse into other elements.
(click)
But even the iron core itself eventually collapses. What happens next is spectacular! Imagine
in less than a second it collapses from the size of 8,000 km wide to become only
20km wide. This Releases a sudden enormous amount of energy. I knw this is
getting hard to imagine so let me show u an animation of this (click). U cant
see the core here, but the core actually shrinks, and releases a huge wall of
energy, equivalent to 100 suns burning for 10billion years in this split second!
This energy slams into the outer layer. And the entire outer layer of the star
literally explodes from the core!! It is in this explosion that trace element
heavier than iron are formed. This event is known as a
supernova.
(click)
Some stars are supermassive. With hundreds even thousands times the mass of normal stars. In this case something even more spectacular happens! Such stars because they are so big they collapse so fast under their own weight, that these dying stars release an incredible burst of
energy, so much energy, equivalent to our Sun 880 billion years, in a single
terrible blast (click for GRB!) known as the gamma ray burst. In this brief
moment, the dying star becomes the brightest thing in the universe. What remains
of the once bright star now becomes a black hole.
(click)
What happens if such an event were to occur near earth? If a gamma ray burst were to occur near
earth, what we will see is the skies suddenly turn bright blue. Then the seas
would boil and the land become as fire. GRB are pretty much the ultimate
sterilant of our universe. And it has happen b4. 500 million years ago, a GRB
occured 6,000 light-years away from Earth. That is 5.7x1017 km away. So far
away. Yet 60% of all life on earth was extinguished. The event is known as the
Ordovician mass extinction.
(click)
I have talked abt how stars are made as the result of the thermonuclear fusion of simple elements into complex elements. Look around u, everything u see, everything you knw, your hands, ur
table tennis ball, your brain, ur fav canoe, elephants, rabbits. Everything is
made from atoms and elements. And what made these elements are the furnaces in
the sky. They came from stars! Lastly I hav also talked abt how stars will
eventually die. Possibly with a catastrophic bang.

We owe our
existence to the stars. For those of us who wonder why we exist, rather than
look down into a microscope, try looking up into a telescope instead. I hope the
next time u look into a star, u remb that there is something in common between u
and these stars in the sky, because we too are made from stardust. And chances
are, all of us and everything on earth once came from the same twinkle twinkle
little star. Next time your children ask you, “what are stars?”… I hope you will
my presentation today.
(click)
Now is the time for me to address your questions. Any questions from the floor?

The presentation went ok… but unfortunately, I didn’t get the grade I was hoping for. Oh well…

Then there was the quiz…madness… I am gonna hate seeing the score for that one…

Back home my mind gave up on me and I feel asleep like never before. I didn’t even know where I was when I woke up. I had dreams so vivid… so long since I last even had any dreams. Such deep sleep… oOoOo

Cycling: Bottle Tree Village

Greetings again,

It has been awhile hasn’t it? Yesterday, I went cycling to bottle tree village in Sembawang. Setting off at 2.30pm I rode my bike down Choa Chu Kang North 6 passing by Yew Tee MRT station. It was a nice cloudy day, not what I would usually prefer though. I was expecting the blazing sun but nonetheless, the day is still for cycling. After a brief stop at the petrol station to stiffen my wheels, I peddled down towards the railway bridge, heading for Woodlands Road.

Being in the day it seemed safer to cycle on the pavement. The horrendously bumpy pavement. Zipping pass curious drivers, bumping my way towards Mandai Road I wondered to myself just why am I doing this. Why am I heading for the shear suffering which awaits anyone wishing to go down Mandai Road. As the hills approach, the mind wanes. Things blur as fatigue sets in and sensations dull under the scorch of lactic acid.

I exited Mandai Road and pass by Yishun. “Sembawang”, I told myself. That’s where I am heading to. Riding down Yishun Avenue 2 I realized I didn’t know which junction to turn at. Not willing to trust my instincts, I rode until I could see Sembawang MRT station before I back tracked to the previous junction. In the map I forgot to bring, I was supposed to turn only at that junction. Am I going to get lost? A sickening thought as I was already tired. No choice but to convince myself that if I do get lost, simply cycling south will get me home… no matter how long.

At the junction, alas! The sign “Sembawang Park” greets me. Yes! On the right track so I was. Tired but eager, I pushed on down the winding road. How quiet it was this road, tranquil as such it really makes me expect to see a kampong village. Finally there it was, Bottle Tree Village. Ah… so those are the bottle trees. And what is this? A park connector which links to yishun park? Curious and attracted by the quiet cycling track, I find myself riding down just to see if it really does connect to Yishun park.

The trail ends abruptly into Yishun avenue 2. Alright… so where is Yishun park? Turning left, I headed back down along Yishun avenue just to look for the park. After awhile, I gave up. Turning back when I saw North Point shopping centre. Time to head home I guess. So I headed towards Causeway point. “Shouldn’t be that far”, or so I thought. By now, dehydration and its effects had set in. I begin to feel alittle desperate. My rickety bike starts to complain as well, squeaking ever more the frequent. Distracting myself from the strain, I looked around the environment. How interesting, this is the very first time I’m cycling in Admiralty. At every turn, an unfamiliar street beckons. If only I have the time to cycle through all of them!

Down Woodlands Avenue I went, the traffic beginning to build up as peak hour arrives. It is almost 5pm now and the streets are beginning to bustle with life. Like an observer from outer space I road along side the cars, casually and curiously wondering how these streaming masses of persons are leading their lives. Are they happy? Sad? Lonely?

Finally about an hour later, I turned into Woodlands Road… the familiar sight of the petrol station signifying the end of my journey for the day!! oOo [35 kilometers in total]

Just this morning...

Greetings again,

Recently it seems, life for me has been swinging from extremes. I know all too well that this might just be a period of “growing pains”. But little am I aware of the depth my psychology being affected. “losing it” perhaps that’s what they call. There were periods of time when I felt very alone. When it seems all the world owed me an apology for my feeling neglected. I felt like for all that I’ve done to feel welcomed or accepted, my efforts have been in vain. And that perhaps, it’s time to return the favor. We feel this way sometimes... don't we all?

I have felt hurt, that sent messages were not replied. I have had voiced out my protest to demand attention. But how sane are these actions? How much should I expect? Haven’t I suffered enough to expect the world to treat me better? A consuming bitterness.

It seems that, every time things start to look good. I forget how it came to be this way. Perhaps I have taken my pleasures for granted. Life for me it seems, have forgotten its value. I feel lost, there is no purpose. After all that I have done, I am still neither here nor there. Still so human, so ordinary. Why is everyone enjoying life but me? And indeed, fallen for the trap of humanity I did. Everyday, hoping that someone would save me from this torment.

Today was going to be another agonizing day of seemingly mundane nothingness. As usual, I woke up to check my hp. No one messaged. Yet another flash of discontent. As usual I lumbered to wash-up. Then switched on the computer in hopes of finding someone of my predicament to lament with.

A friend of my came online. Someone who I never felt would be able to understand my frustrated feelings. She said “hi” and I replied as a matter of routine, expecting yet another pointless casual talk. Yet today was different. She spoke of life, its meaning with regards to death. At once it regained my interests. Finally someone else who contemplates life like I do? It turns out that the treat of certain death was a looming in her family. A terminal illness. I tried to console her.

She spoke of her worry about her seeming helplessness. Of what can be done. I told her that perhaps she can help her loved one to accomplish final wishes. But that was out due to circumstances.

I told her that maybe she should spend more time getting to know the person better. Because everyone needs someone to talk to...and maybe when you talk to the person, you will know what can be done. I asked her to query about the loved one’s past… what were the dreams back when days were young and perhaps the ideals on life... and how best to live it. I told her perhaps she needs to talk to the people around her as well, because while the afflicted may be suffering physically... everybody else is suffering emotionally... and that she has to be strong to console the others too... that way... you wont feel like there is nothing you can do.

She spoke of being aware of that, but that shyness prevented her communication.
And I said,

“aha... shy... hmm... ya... can understand... but next time when u are old.. u will realise that its silly to feel this way.. miss out on alot of things.. its always gd to open up to ppl... not everyone can talk to ppl... but everyone needs to talk. Even if when u talk to them... they shun u or reject u... at least u hav done what u ought to do... and theres nth to regret... not everyone may like to talk to you... but u shld try to talk to everyone. life is short right... why keep it to urself in silence... let ppl know u care.”

Suddenly I realized I was really talking to myself. These were exactly the words I need to elevate my depression. Life is short, how could I afford to succumb so much time to all this meaningless bitterness? Where have all my values gone too… indeed I was so lost. Drowning deep in my sea of loathing. I have forgotten myself…

What have I done?

Greetings again,

Hmm... I have not been well recieved lately. I wonder why. Seems everyone is not quite in the mood for a conversation with me. Perhaps it was something I did. Yet, I have no inkling as to what that would be. Perhaps someone would be kind enough to offer the liberty of enlightening me??


*sign* How dejecting.

Tribute to Friendship

Greetings again,

I have a friend call Hannah whom I met during my 1st 3months in JI. She is quite unique among the people I know because she is a Taiwanese who has an American father and a Filipino mother. She was my classmate in JI but we seldom really get to have much time to spend interacting. But somehow we manage to click pretty well and I get this comfortable feeling of certain benevolence about her. She is always so friendly to everyone, so nice and kind. Never do I hear her gossip about people or claim that this or that person has this or that bad traits. And she is always very approachable. I can safely say that she was the last person who I think will harm anyone.

During my time in JI, I was pretty introverted. You can say that I was afraid or maybe unwilling to make friends. I will try not to be involved in gatherings or any games my classmates were enjoying. Even before I was ushered into the class, in the orientation group that I was in I also made an effort not to interact too much. Or rather the lack of effort to interact. And even during the orientation games, I tried to take a more quiet impression.
Because of her sociability, I tend to always only talk to her in class but still I was always very reserved. I only intended to make an acquaintance. I did not wish to put any effort into being a friend nor did I wish to make any friends. I just interacted with the people minimally who I need to know to get along in life.
After jus 3 weeks in JI, I left and hoped that I would never have anything to do with the place anymore.
Sometime later, Hannah informed me that there was a JI class gathering BBQ and asked me to come along. Feeling that I should still keep my acquaintances, I agreed to go. Throughout the event, I talked to people, joked with people, but somehow it just wasn’t very right. I knew myself that I simply did not wish to spend my time and effort in making friends. When it was over, we would go our separate ways and probably never met each other again. This is what always happens.

A few months later, I was surprised that Hannah contacted me again. This time she asked me out for a movie. I was pretty amused that someone who I absolutely did not think I was close with would ask me that, so I agreed to go. Upon arriving I realized that she had also asked a few of her friends along. The interesting thing is that, the friends that she asked along mostly do not know each other. So it was kind of like a strangers gathering where the only person we know is Hannah. It was quite interesting, knowing new people and talking about our lives. But at the end of the day, as usual, we left our separate ways knowing we probably will never meet each other again.

A few months passed and one day she told me to meet her. And it turned out she wanted to pass me a birthday present. I was pretty shocked. I did not even bother to ask when her birthday is. But still she was her usual happy self and she really did not mind that I did not care.

A few months later, Hannah asked me out for another movie again. By now, we occasionally chatted online and I felt like we were closer acquaintances than before. However, still not quite friends in the sense that I still feel obliged to be reserved. This time I did not agree straight away, I told her that I did not really feel like meeting a bunch of strangers who mostly already know each other but I do not know them. She bugged me and said that I can talk to her if I feel lonely and that she will sit beside me during the movie. After much persuasion, I agreed. As expected, all were strangers to me, this time, they were all her friends who knew each other and I was the total stranger. Like last time, I talked with them, joked with them. But at the end of the day, we left our separate ways knowing we probably will never meet each other again.

There were a couple of other times that we met again; usually it was meeting new people also. Personally I really did not like the company of strangers so much and would preferably not go out with her and her friends at all.

I did not like her in the sense that I will not wan her to be my girlfriend. But by now you are probably thinking that she likes me. That was what I suspected also. I did ask her about it and she denied. She jus said that we were just friends...and in my mind I was thinking...."friends got lidat wan meh?" So never mind...at that time I jus thought, "oh well...wadever lo." To me, she was neither a close friend nor anyone special. Yet somehow she was so nice to me.

Then last month, she asked me out again. This time she said it was a farewell gathering because she was going to emigrate to California. I asked her is there anyone in the gathering that I know and she told me that most of the people are either her ex-sec school classmates or schoolmates who know one another. This means I will be rather the odd one out again. So after a few minutes of consideration, I told her that its awkward to go to a gathering where everyone is strangers to me and I did not feel like going. This time, her reaction was unexpected. To me, I would not have cared if she declined a gathering I invited her to go. And I really do not expect her to mind that I said I do not wish to go.

I was talking to her through msn but I can tell she was pretty upset. She was angry and very disappointed. She did not wan to talk to me and when I asked her what the matter was, she said that she was having a difficult time with friends. I know she was referring to me...

I suddenly realized something about myself. That I had always been so naive, I was so stupid. And I had been so heartless. I was good in my studies, I was fit and healthy and I thought I know enough about life. I had always thought she was weird to be so nice to me, always thought that she was wasting her time with all that planning of gatherings of friends. Always think that she should spend more time with her studies and learn not to be so nice to people. Because there are people like me out there who will not care. That friends were simply acquaintances who share mutual interests with me. I had been living in a world where I felt being nice wont get me anywhere, and that I did not need anyone.

And here right there and then was this person. Hannah who I realized devoted her life to friendships. Who believed that the world can be nice, who genuinely wanted to make friends with people. Who simply wanted to be with friends, to enjoy their presence wholeheartedly and truly. Who did not think that people might harm her or laugh at her stupidity, who was so innocent and true about being a friend. To live a life where having friends is the most fulfilling thing to do. Who probably have friends who she can cry with when she is said, and laugh with when she is happy. And sit with at the end of days to smile at a life worthwhile living. Who believed in true friendships.

And I thought to myself, do I have friends who I can cry with? Do I have friends who I can share my greatest joy with? Do I have friends that I would trust my life with? I have never thought about this. I had never thought that I would need to think about it. And it breaks me then to know that I had been missing out in some things which were so important in life. And it shames me to know that I had never fulfilled any of the above to my friends. That I had been such a disappointment to the people who wanted to know me, who sincerely wanted to be my friend. People who were willing to befriend a cold heartless person like me. For once I was touched. And I broke down.

I went for the farewell gathering. She was happy to see that I was there. As expected, all the people there were strangers to me. But this time I realized something about her friends. They were all such delightful people. They were so open so carefree, in stark contrast to the people who I think I know. People who are conservative, people who keep to themselves, who live in their own petty worlds and people who I have became.

But yet these people were not totally unlike the ones I know. They were also Singaporeans. Also in the same rat race, they are the strangers I see in the street, the quiet people. The people next door who does not open their doors. The people who suffers similarly in life. Yet now here in this gathering all the veil of self-consciousness was gone. They were lively, they were cheerful, they happily accepted strangers and they treated everyone without bias. They were all friends, friends of Hannah. How ironic it is that never before did I feel so safe, and only in the company of strangers.

The next day she left for California. I was changed. Somehow, she became a sort of inspiration. An inspiration of truth and sincerity and innocence. I want to honor her belief in friendships. I want to be like her. And in my mind I know I can change. I now know what it meant to be nice, to have friends. You can say I was on a high for friendships. And then as fate would have it in this period of transition, things happened and I met someone...but that is another story…