Greetings,
Today I had a long conversation with my father during dinner. Once again what was a simple talk with him left behind a deep realization within me.
He met someone recently who happened to be a high ranking officer in the army and after some lengthy talk, dad felt it actually was not such a bad idea after all for someone to sign on. He was convinced that even though signing on meant a lost of working experience in the outside world, it would mean that one can get a prestigious scholarship that almost guarantees a stable job in the government.
While I agree with him that getting a governments scholarship would probably help in landing a government job, I felt uneasy that one would go through all that just to find a secure job. I mean, just for the sake of money?
After trying to convince him that work should be more focused on interests rather than pay, he still insists that it all boils down eventually to the dough. This got me thinking about the path I think I am going to thread. Sure, one day I might land a job in my field, become a researcher… do some meaningful findings. Then what? Is that all? What of the times that I will definitely have to spend doing things I don’t like? Have I become “that which I feared most”??
A long time ago back when I was formulating my purpose and principals in life, part of my central idea was to get out of the deadlock of becoming like the huddled masses in society. Of people who spend their whole lives toiling on without a true purpose… working like zombies their whole lives to earn money, convinced that it is the correct thing to do. Convinced that because it is the norm in society it is the right way to spend a life.
Ending life with only the comfort that they have fulfilled the tasks people have expected of them. A sad sorry life of living till the end, the demands of normalcy. That was my greatest fear. To have lived a life that might as well have not existed because it does not make any difference at all. To live a life with no passion, no conviction to serve and no purpose. Just blind following.
It suddenly came back to me that I seem to be moving towards this path. That eventually I will become a slave to the cause to earn as much money as possible, in the hope that it will become meaningful eventually because ‘people said so’. If so, than signing on might actually be a good path to take. But how can I?! Have I fallen so far as to allow myself to succumb to living a subtle life? To blend into the gray?
Can I really retreat to live the normal life, to earn money and raise a family and pretend that I have done a good job of living a life? Can I really throw away the chance to make a difference? To pretend I never knew what a sacred thing it is to be conscious? To pretend I am not aware of how precious is this gift of actually being part of existence?
NO… never!! Over my dead body. There is only one path. And I will live my life only in the way that is of dedication, meaning, passion, conviction and purpose. I must, for only to salvage my purpose to exist.
I thank my father for making me realize this once again after such a long time.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Monday, December 25, 2006
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Greetings,
Many times in history, humans have been astounded by facts that topple our world view. Things that change our concept of life, our doctrines and beliefs. Often, we naturally violently reject these truths for they threaten our mental security. From the persecutions that follow evolution theory, the fate of Galileo and Aristotle, the denial of the holocaust, to name a few. Even the great Einstein himself admitted to being foolish to have denied the facts when quantum physics presented to him what is now known as the uncertainty theory.
Often, what these facts do is challenge beyond doubt the conveniently comfortable assumptions we have made in our lives that nature can be categorized, and described by man. As such shame us with our arrogant ignorance.
Today elame abducted lun, zk and me to a Christmas church service at expo organized by her church, city harvest. Me? At a church service? Yes boredom has brought me to new heights once again.
The event was very impressive. Very. As expected, the story goes about the meaning of Christmas… the birth of Christ and its related histories. But the way they managed to bring out the story was outstanding! The stage acting was superb and they must have really spent a mammoth effort to get the atmosphere to be just right! A big hand to them! =D
Some things said during the service caught my mind and kept me thinking... In the story, a big hoo-hah was made for the virgin birth of Jesus Christ as so was said in the text of old. In the past this used to seem so much a biological impossibility to me as to be a fantasy to sanctify his birth.
However, recent news that scientists reported two cases where female Komodo dragons have produced offspring without male contact made me think again. Tests revealed their eggs had developed without being fertilised by sperm - a process called parthenogenesis. Previously, it would have been nonsensical to claim that Komodo dragons can reproduce this way. As nonsensical as it would be to claim humans could as well.
“Richard Gibson, an author on the paper and a curator at the Zoological Society of London, said: "Parthenogenesis has been described before in about 70 species of vertebrates, but it has always been regarded to be a very unusual, perhaps abnormal phenomenon." It has been shown in some snakes, fish, a monitor lizard and even a turkey, he said.”
But can such an abominable phenomenon occur in humans? It seems that this might actually be possible, given how nature always stuns us with its revelations. Would the story then, of the virgin Mary, actually be true??
Many times in history, humans have been astounded by facts that topple our world view. Things that change our concept of life, our doctrines and beliefs. Often, we naturally violently reject these truths for they threaten our mental security. From the persecutions that follow evolution theory, the fate of Galileo and Aristotle, the denial of the holocaust, to name a few. Even the great Einstein himself admitted to being foolish to have denied the facts when quantum physics presented to him what is now known as the uncertainty theory.
Often, what these facts do is challenge beyond doubt the conveniently comfortable assumptions we have made in our lives that nature can be categorized, and described by man. As such shame us with our arrogant ignorance.
Today elame abducted lun, zk and me to a Christmas church service at expo organized by her church, city harvest. Me? At a church service? Yes boredom has brought me to new heights once again.
The event was very impressive. Very. As expected, the story goes about the meaning of Christmas… the birth of Christ and its related histories. But the way they managed to bring out the story was outstanding! The stage acting was superb and they must have really spent a mammoth effort to get the atmosphere to be just right! A big hand to them! =D
Some things said during the service caught my mind and kept me thinking... In the story, a big hoo-hah was made for the virgin birth of Jesus Christ as so was said in the text of old. In the past this used to seem so much a biological impossibility to me as to be a fantasy to sanctify his birth.
However, recent news that scientists reported two cases where female Komodo dragons have produced offspring without male contact made me think again. Tests revealed their eggs had developed without being fertilised by sperm - a process called parthenogenesis. Previously, it would have been nonsensical to claim that Komodo dragons can reproduce this way. As nonsensical as it would be to claim humans could as well.
“Richard Gibson, an author on the paper and a curator at the Zoological Society of London, said: "Parthenogenesis has been described before in about 70 species of vertebrates, but it has always been regarded to be a very unusual, perhaps abnormal phenomenon." It has been shown in some snakes, fish, a monitor lizard and even a turkey, he said.”
But can such an abominable phenomenon occur in humans? It seems that this might actually be possible, given how nature always stuns us with its revelations. Would the story then, of the virgin Mary, actually be true??
Experiments have been made whereby rabbits (mammals) were induced to reproduce through parthenogenesis. No experiments of human parthenogenesis have been report so far...
Surely such an event occurring in this time and day would be shocking. Ok… so it is possible that due to some absurd biological glitch all animals can reproduce asexually. Fine, another one of our dear assumptions about nature slapped in the face. Surely there must be some things that we can be sure of about our humanity right? Surely a guy is a guy and a girl is girl right? Wrong!!
“In this day in age, most of us understand that gender identity can be pretty complicated from a social, cultural and psychological perspective. But the idea that gender can be complicated from a physical perspective -- that a female athlete can be deemed non-female for the purposes of competition -- seems a bit bizarre.
As it turns out, gender is as much a physical puzzle as it is a social one. There is no one test that can determine with scientific certainty whether someone is male or female. There is only a battery of tests that can evaluate the various aspects of physical gender distinction, and there are various opinions about which of those tests should count the most.
In a recent case of an athlete failing a gender test, in December 2006, 25-year-old Santhi Soundarajan was stripped of her silver medal for the 800-meter race in the Asian Games.”
Indeed as it turns out, even if you were born with XY chromosomes, making you genetically male, it does NOT necessary mean you will be male. If your Y chromosomes are defective, and not expressed, poof! you become a female. Even if the chromosomes were okie but downstream expression of the genes, the production of its subsequent proteins were distrupted, poof! you become a female too.
Our DNA serves as a guide which makes us what we are. What gives us our traits are our genes which are segments of our DNA. These genes need to be deciphered (transcripted), and read (translated) before they eventually become proteins. The product proteins themselves also need to undergo various foldings and alterations before they are useful.
So should any of these steps fail, the genes are not expressed. This is one way a XY person can become female, because the genes were not expressed.
So even if you have breasts, a womb and other feminine features, who knows, you might just be a defective male after all. =p
Speaking of bizarre. For those of you who have watch Animatrix, you would know of how the story of the movie blockbuster “The Matrix” came to be. How the artificial intelligence managed to enslave humans and so on. There was also the movie “AI”, where a robot was made so human, it felt. It can feel.
These fictitious movies seem other worldly, far-fetched, even if somewhat logical. Surely it would not happen in life, now would it? Apparently, some politicians think otherwise… and I would say with good reason.
Robots could one day demand the same citizen's rights as humans, according to a study by the British government. If granted, countries would be obliged to provide social benefits including housing and even "robo-healthcare", the report says.
"We're not in the business of predicting the future, but we do need to explore the broadest range of different possibilities to help ensure government is prepared in the long-term and considers issues across the spectrum in its planning," said Sir David King, the government's chief scientific adviser. – BBC news (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/6200005.stm)
Yes, Deep Fritz, a chess-playing computer, has beaten human counterpart world chess champion Vladimir Kramnik in a six-game battle in Bonn, Germany. And a furry robotic seal in place of actual pets has been used for therapy in nursing homes to help people relax and exercise by the Japanese government. Robots and AI have always been improving by leaps and bounds but still they are I would say, far from human.
Still it is without doubt that our brain too, can be considered as one immensely complicated computer. Prone to glitches and viruses and needing a patch once in awhile. Spirituality aside, perhaps one day as our politics above have mentioned, we might just inherit the world to robots…
Monday, September 11, 2006
Thursday, September 07, 2006
...as my soul heal the shame...
Does it take more strength to hold on? Or does it take more strength to let go?
To hold on, bare hope, remember, keep close to heart, and faith to carry on. Requires one to have the courage to face uncertainty, that failure might abound. To trust that all that was endured was for a worthy cause, to trust that no promise may be broken. To remember the ordeals and lessons that were learnt, to keep all in mind all the time and always caution.
To let go, release, forgive, forget and set free. To Abandon whatever fruits that might have been beared. To set oneself upon uncertainty, to tread alone in foreignness. To have the courage to face whatever that may come as one leaves all behind to start anew. To free oneself from the protections of faith, that all was once well. To brand the banner of independence, vagrancy. To forgive all that was done to hurt, and forget for they know not what they do.
To hold on, bare hope, remember, keep close to heart, and faith to carry on. Requires one to have the courage to face uncertainty, that failure might abound. To trust that all that was endured was for a worthy cause, to trust that no promise may be broken. To remember the ordeals and lessons that were learnt, to keep all in mind all the time and always caution.
To let go, release, forgive, forget and set free. To Abandon whatever fruits that might have been beared. To set oneself upon uncertainty, to tread alone in foreignness. To have the courage to face whatever that may come as one leaves all behind to start anew. To free oneself from the protections of faith, that all was once well. To brand the banner of independence, vagrancy. To forgive all that was done to hurt, and forget for they know not what they do.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Gunung Angsi: At Gunung Angsi [Part II]
Wide flat fields of palm trees soon gave way to a gently undulating landscape as we ascend to higher ground. In the foggy distance, the horizon slowly sculpts into the towering shapes of mountains that loom majestically over the land.
The bus gears down to a slower pace as I look out the window to see the billboard saying "Welcome to Gunung Angsi". The place was unexpectedly quiet. There were none of the streaming tourists nor rows of parked vehicles. Small buildings stood empty and delapidated as though forsaken since time long ago. There were no shops, no chalets, no restaurants, just seemingly unused structures weathering under the sun.
This was quite unlike Mount Ophir which I visited about two years ago. There was a tourist resort, a restaurant, a guide house and stalls. There were people everywhere. Children, caucasians, asians and so on. It was so different.
As we alighted in the carpark, I took a deep breath of the sweet smell that is the surrounding forests. The morning air was so cool and fresh, like a sponge soaking away all the fatigue I felt during the bus ride.
We were told to visit the toilet and relieve ourselves to prepare for the long day ahead. The only water available was a running hose which was meant to be shared outside the ladies and gents. As simple as the settings were, it was more amusing than annoying that things were such.
The stark difference in amenities only further reminded us that this expedition is an enjoyment in the form of an experience. Just off the road was the river. Slow and gentle. Albeit looking abit too green for dipping.
We set off shortly after, trekking on a rather walking path to reach the so called 'start of the climb'. I was beginning worry if the trip was to be too relaxing. Oh boy i was wrong.
Treading along natures track I was once again. The rest of the team was chatting along. Cracking jokes, being cheerful. I didnt really know anyone well enough for me to jump into a conversation comfortably. As I tread along quietly, I thought to myself. Why am I here?
What is it that I seek that has driven me to this place. This wonderful place which, is wonderful to me in a way i did not seem to have questioned. Why has it been that so many speak of a preference to the smell of nature's honey dew and not the city's smell of burning fuel?
Soon we reached a checkpoint that seem to signify the beginning of the climb. We were all psyched and feeling gamed for the challenges ahead. So off we went!
Midway through, the trek started to rear its dreary face as everyone started to feel lactic acid accumulating.
But of course we pushed on. Pass the lustrous greenary. The verticle rock faces proved to be a challenge for our team, but we eventually managed to squeeze our bums through.
As the journey wore on, you could read from our faces how we were wishing for one thing to come quickly. The summit! As for the me so silly, I brought less water than I should. And thus was going abit crazy over dehydration. =p
Before long, we reached the summit! It took us almost 3-4 hours! It was here that we come to appreciate how the effort was well spent as the view around us seized our attention. Not as breathtaking as Ophir or Balumut, but still definitely worth the effort. =]
The bus gears down to a slower pace as I look out the window to see the billboard saying "Welcome to Gunung Angsi". The place was unexpectedly quiet. There were none of the streaming tourists nor rows of parked vehicles. Small buildings stood empty and delapidated as though forsaken since time long ago. There were no shops, no chalets, no restaurants, just seemingly unused structures weathering under the sun.
This was quite unlike Mount Ophir which I visited about two years ago. There was a tourist resort, a restaurant, a guide house and stalls. There were people everywhere. Children, caucasians, asians and so on. It was so different.
As we alighted in the carpark, I took a deep breath of the sweet smell that is the surrounding forests. The morning air was so cool and fresh, like a sponge soaking away all the fatigue I felt during the bus ride.We were told to visit the toilet and relieve ourselves to prepare for the long day ahead. The only water available was a running hose which was meant to be shared outside the ladies and gents. As simple as the settings were, it was more amusing than annoying that things were such.
The stark difference in amenities only further reminded us that this expedition is an enjoyment in the form of an experience. Just off the road was the river. Slow and gentle. Albeit looking abit too green for dipping.
We set off shortly after, trekking on a rather walking path to reach the so called 'start of the climb'. I was beginning worry if the trip was to be too relaxing. Oh boy i was wrong.Treading along natures track I was once again. The rest of the team was chatting along. Cracking jokes, being cheerful. I didnt really know anyone well enough for me to jump into a conversation comfortably. As I tread along quietly, I thought to myself. Why am I here?
What is it that I seek that has driven me to this place. This wonderful place which, is wonderful to me in a way i did not seem to have questioned. Why has it been that so many speak of a preference to the smell of nature's honey dew and not the city's smell of burning fuel?
Soon we reached a checkpoint that seem to signify the beginning of the climb. We were all psyched and feeling gamed for the challenges ahead. So off we went!Midway through, the trek started to rear its dreary face as everyone started to feel lactic acid accumulating.
But of course we pushed on. Pass the lustrous greenary. The verticle rock faces proved to be a challenge for our team, but we eventually managed to squeeze our bums through.
As the journey wore on, you could read from our faces how we were wishing for one thing to come quickly. The summit! As for the me so silly, I brought less water than I should. And thus was going abit crazy over dehydration. =p
Before long, we reached the summit! It took us almost 3-4 hours! It was here that we come to appreciate how the effort was well spent as the view around us seized our attention. Not as breathtaking as Ophir or Balumut, but still definitely worth the effort. =]
As much as we had wanted to stay there, we had to go. Dark clouds loomed ahead! So quickly we descended. However, more fun awaits!
On the way down, we once again passed by the sparkling river. Dr E suggested that we go for a swim! Something I had never even considered before. For certain, had I gone with other people i would have felt very restricted towards my composure.
There seem always to be a facade that cannot be shedsh. But there I was, with this bunch of nice strangers. I did not feel restricted at all. It felt like I was free to mould my personality as I saw fit and to do as I wished. I felt free. So splashingly I went to join in to swim and play in the water!! VERY COLD water!!
And it was here for the very first time in my life that I stood right beneath a waterfall! Letting the cold water splash over my head. Rinsing away all my tiredness and whatever thoughts which plagued my mind. I had never felt this good. This was the climax of the trip.
Soon after, we left the pool to return to the starting point happlily. Feeling accomplished and satisfied. We cleaned ourselves up at the communal hose before finally setting off for a much looked forward dinner and home, Singapore. =]
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Gunung Angsi: The Way There [Part I]
I arrived early at kranji MRT station. 1pm. It was a sunday and the crowd was torrential. Full of anxiety was I as I stood awaiting the arrival of the team whom none I have met. Standing by the railings, I surveyed the endless stream of humans pouring from the station. Amongst this stream of strangers, must be the ones whom I would soon be spending the next 2 days and nights with. I waited and waited.
Stephan called me, "where are you, vincent?". "I am here already, sir". And I met stephan
the organiser of our trip. We walked towards a crowd of people whom I at once knew would
be part of my team.
We departed for johor bahru and arrived at the customs around 3pm to face a preposterously
long queue. We were Squashed and sanwiched between sticky perspiring bodies packed in a
poorly ventilated sauna. I was in the queue beside christopher and we both wondered if we
might actually collapse through asphyxiation before we even reach our destination.
Centimeter by centimeter we inched our way towards the custom gates as I gasped for air
arduously, battling with malodor and malicious people trying to cut our queue. As the crowds swell under the scorching mid day heat, we were almost sizzling like tunas packed in a rectangular fish tank, vertiginous and driven to the edge of delirium. In our heat-stroked semiconscious state we gazed despondently at the several air-conditioners installed in the enclosure, gathering dust.
40 minutes crept by before we could finally taste the fresh air once again and proceed to
the awaiting cushioned seats that were cooled and cordially eager to embrace us in the
travel coach.
The bus ride on the way to Negeri Sembilan near Kuala Lumpur, about 300km away from JB
took longer than I thought. On the way there we stopped by a string of outlets providing
refreshments for ones like us on a long journey. To my horror I realised I left my money
pouch back at home.
As such I resigned myself to try and borrow some cash later when I need to eat. Trying to avoid spending, I reframed from buying anything at the rest point. Mr Stephan was extremely kind and generous and treated me to a drink and some food even after much refusal. There I spoke with some of the other members of our team, Sharon, Elaine, Ester among others.
I realised I was in the company of such nice, pleasant people, quite unlike any i've met before. There seem to be this air of hospitality and acceptance about them which is pretty unique. There was sincerity in the conversations and a curiousity I seldom see bestowed upon strangers. I felt very blessed to have come to this trip, albeit alone.
A short while later we were all back on the bus. Zipping our way along wide to narrow roads winding between a vast seemingly endless expanse of palm tree plantations. Seated alone in a corner at the very end of the bus, I gazed with ataraxis at the passing scenery. Rows upon rows of palm trees stretch out into the never ending distance. Obscuring the view as the bus passes by at an angle, only to reveal a seemingly abysmal depth that blends into utter darkness as the bus passes perpendicular to the rows of trees.
After 2 hours of travel we arrived at Desa Inn, Kuala Pilah in Negeri Sembilan. Nestled in the middle a rundown town which host a scattering of shop houses. We made ourselves comfortable in the Inn before moving out to have our much awaited dinner.
Across the street, right in the middle of the roads sprawled hawkers selling all sorts of local delights. Under the dim street lamps and curious eyes peering from windows over our heads we dined. Sitting in the open air, shrouded with the aroma of frying chicken wings under a bright moon gleaming in the night sky, there was something of simplicity about the setting that was strangely reassuring.
I bought some goodies back to last the night and some chocolate bars to encourage me for
the journey come the next day. That night, I slept earlier than usual. Perhaps the hours of journey wore me down. Or perhaps, for once I had nothing to worry about. Or maybe because there was only smallville on TV.
~Beep Beep BEEP~! [6am]
I awoke to find myself incubating under a mass of blankets in a freezer as the airconditioner blasted away all night. I crawled out of bed and slided opened the balcony door to feel the warm air.
Chris was awake by then and washing up. I sat by the balcony listening to the morning sounds of
huming machines and singing crickets. Glancing down I could see all the shops still closed and not a car in sight. The streets were empty! Life in the slow lane.
We had breakfast at a nearby coffee shop serving chinese food. The morning sky by now was dancing with swifts darting to and from their nests. Filling the air with the orchestra of chirping melody. Walking along the sheltered shop houses I saw this swift nest bustling with activity. The sound of young swiftlets belying their hidden sanctuary.
Before long, we were once again in the bus. On our way to the base of Gunung Angsi...
Stephan called me, "where are you, vincent?". "I am here already, sir". And I met stephan
the organiser of our trip. We walked towards a crowd of people whom I at once knew would
be part of my team.
We departed for johor bahru and arrived at the customs around 3pm to face a preposterously
long queue. We were Squashed and sanwiched between sticky perspiring bodies packed in a
poorly ventilated sauna. I was in the queue beside christopher and we both wondered if we
might actually collapse through asphyxiation before we even reach our destination.
Centimeter by centimeter we inched our way towards the custom gates as I gasped for air
arduously, battling with malodor and malicious people trying to cut our queue. As the crowds swell under the scorching mid day heat, we were almost sizzling like tunas packed in a rectangular fish tank, vertiginous and driven to the edge of delirium. In our heat-stroked semiconscious state we gazed despondently at the several air-conditioners installed in the enclosure, gathering dust.
40 minutes crept by before we could finally taste the fresh air once again and proceed to
the awaiting cushioned seats that were cooled and cordially eager to embrace us in the
travel coach.
The bus ride on the way to Negeri Sembilan near Kuala Lumpur, about 300km away from JB
took longer than I thought. On the way there we stopped by a string of outlets providing
refreshments for ones like us on a long journey. To my horror I realised I left my money
pouch back at home.
As such I resigned myself to try and borrow some cash later when I need to eat. Trying to avoid spending, I reframed from buying anything at the rest point. Mr Stephan was extremely kind and generous and treated me to a drink and some food even after much refusal. There I spoke with some of the other members of our team, Sharon, Elaine, Ester among others.
I realised I was in the company of such nice, pleasant people, quite unlike any i've met before. There seem to be this air of hospitality and acceptance about them which is pretty unique. There was sincerity in the conversations and a curiousity I seldom see bestowed upon strangers. I felt very blessed to have come to this trip, albeit alone.
A short while later we were all back on the bus. Zipping our way along wide to narrow roads winding between a vast seemingly endless expanse of palm tree plantations. Seated alone in a corner at the very end of the bus, I gazed with ataraxis at the passing scenery. Rows upon rows of palm trees stretch out into the never ending distance. Obscuring the view as the bus passes by at an angle, only to reveal a seemingly abysmal depth that blends into utter darkness as the bus passes perpendicular to the rows of trees.
After 2 hours of travel we arrived at Desa Inn, Kuala Pilah in Negeri Sembilan. Nestled in the middle a rundown town which host a scattering of shop houses. We made ourselves comfortable in the Inn before moving out to have our much awaited dinner.
Across the street, right in the middle of the roads sprawled hawkers selling all sorts of local delights. Under the dim street lamps and curious eyes peering from windows over our heads we dined. Sitting in the open air, shrouded with the aroma of frying chicken wings under a bright moon gleaming in the night sky, there was something of simplicity about the setting that was strangely reassuring.
I bought some goodies back to last the night and some chocolate bars to encourage me for
the journey come the next day. That night, I slept earlier than usual. Perhaps the hours of journey wore me down. Or perhaps, for once I had nothing to worry about. Or maybe because there was only smallville on TV.
~Beep Beep BEEP~! [6am]
I awoke to find myself incubating under a mass of blankets in a freezer as the airconditioner blasted away all night. I crawled out of bed and slided opened the balcony door to feel the warm air.
Chris was awake by then and washing up. I sat by the balcony listening to the morning sounds of
huming machines and singing crickets. Glancing down I could see all the shops still closed and not a car in sight. The streets were empty! Life in the slow lane.We had breakfast at a nearby coffee shop serving chinese food. The morning sky by now was dancing with swifts darting to and from their nests. Filling the air with the orchestra of chirping melody. Walking along the sheltered shop houses I saw this swift nest bustling with activity. The sound of young swiftlets belying their hidden sanctuary.
Before long, we were once again in the bus. On our way to the base of Gunung Angsi...
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Excerpts from Reader's Digest
Qns: Can a man and a women ever just be friends?
Ans: For a short time perhaps. Making the friendship last requires that you find each other at least vaguely repulsive.
Qns: How do you know when to end a friendship?
Ans: As soon as you get that sneaking suspicion that it never really began.
lol
Ans: For a short time perhaps. Making the friendship last requires that you find each other at least vaguely repulsive.
Qns: How do you know when to end a friendship?
Ans: As soon as you get that sneaking suspicion that it never really began.
lol
Friday, April 28, 2006
back to the past
Today I went to help dad deliver some beach umbrellas and stone stands. As we shuttled from industrial estate to industrial estate, my father laments to me about how bad the economy is and how the government isn't really helping.
As I stared out at the changing scenery, his words materialise before me. Indeed, stretch after stretch of warehouses stood vacant and empty. With an occasional surviving unit scattered here and there.
We stopped at the unit of our stone stand supplier, a lone rundown storehouse smack inthe middle of an entirely empty row of storehouses. Dad disappeared into the office as I sat in the van waiting.
There I sat, staring at the foreign workers toiling in the sweltering heat. I looked into their strained faces as they glanced pass mine. Ignoring my presence. I wonder what goes on in their minds as they labour on. A life so different. Are they looking forward to knocking off? Do they have families to return to? What has kept them struggling on..
I guess deep down, we all just want to make a living. With someything to look forward to.
We reached Temasek LifeScience Laboratories sometime later to deliver the goods. My father was quite surprised that I actually know and greeted some of the researchers there. I had my ITP there. One of the guys quite surprised to see me, asked me what am I doing here. I introduced him my dad, and explained that im helping him deliver some stuff.
Me: "Is Derong still working here?" (Derong was my mentor)
Researcher: "oh yes he is! wanna come and visit us?"
Me: "(smiles) perhaps later..."
But of cos.. I know I wont. I know i'll be heading somewhere else after this. Yet.. im still wondering, would I have wished to stay..
Last time I was the one on the other side, don in labcoats and scuttling into dark corridors. Now im on this side, in my 3 quarters and sweaty t-shirt. Life in perspective eh?
On the way back home, we passed by my 1st primary school. Jin Tai Primary.
Dad: "has it changed much?"
Me: "not really, new coat of paint, renovations.."
Dad: "would you still recognise the friends you made from here?
Me: ".. I don't think we'll recognise each other.. people change.."
Dad: "I wonder where are they now.."
Me: "me too.."
I remember their faces..
As I stared out at the changing scenery, his words materialise before me. Indeed, stretch after stretch of warehouses stood vacant and empty. With an occasional surviving unit scattered here and there.
We stopped at the unit of our stone stand supplier, a lone rundown storehouse smack inthe middle of an entirely empty row of storehouses. Dad disappeared into the office as I sat in the van waiting.
There I sat, staring at the foreign workers toiling in the sweltering heat. I looked into their strained faces as they glanced pass mine. Ignoring my presence. I wonder what goes on in their minds as they labour on. A life so different. Are they looking forward to knocking off? Do they have families to return to? What has kept them struggling on..
I guess deep down, we all just want to make a living. With someything to look forward to.
We reached Temasek LifeScience Laboratories sometime later to deliver the goods. My father was quite surprised that I actually know and greeted some of the researchers there. I had my ITP there. One of the guys quite surprised to see me, asked me what am I doing here. I introduced him my dad, and explained that im helping him deliver some stuff.
Me: "Is Derong still working here?" (Derong was my mentor)
Researcher: "oh yes he is! wanna come and visit us?"
Me: "(smiles) perhaps later..."
But of cos.. I know I wont. I know i'll be heading somewhere else after this. Yet.. im still wondering, would I have wished to stay..
Last time I was the one on the other side, don in labcoats and scuttling into dark corridors. Now im on this side, in my 3 quarters and sweaty t-shirt. Life in perspective eh?
On the way back home, we passed by my 1st primary school. Jin Tai Primary.
Dad: "has it changed much?"
Me: "not really, new coat of paint, renovations.."
Dad: "would you still recognise the friends you made from here?
Me: ".. I don't think we'll recognise each other.. people change.."
Dad: "I wonder where are they now.."
Me: "me too.."
I remember their faces..
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
more crab legs!!
Today must be my craziest day of the year! Utter madness lah!
Okok. This morning went Sentosa with my secondary school friends expecting to get some serious sun scorching. I bought nothing but just a pouch and a towel, wallet and hp. haha. All was well up to the point where we actually were at siloso beach. *rUMble rumBLe* RAIN.
In the mean time, Meilian and Wenbin went off to look for Joanne. At first it got abit dark, then it got rEALLY dark. I got this crazy imagination that the dark clouds were just blowing around in circles above our heads. Dennis got demoralised, claiming that he runs on solar power. hah!
We pounced on a vacant shelter area and sort of made it our territory. I got this crazy idea that we should sit in a circle and start chanting and dancing like jungle people so that we scare off other people who want to invade our hut. hahaha
We sat around chatting abit. Before deciding that we might as well go out and play in the rain. And what we did? ahem.. we started to build sand castles because I notice the sand was wet and conducive, and we 1st built..a.. ahem.ahem. lol.
It was damn crazy.. we were laughing all the way. After awhile it got demolished, by this time zk and his gf was here. We decided to build something more decent. Then, twin towers with planes on both sides. hahaha! madness. All the while in the rain.
2 hours passed and ML and WB are still not back yet. They finally reached after we waited for some time more. Then we played captains ball. Yet another fitful worth of laughter. Then we went to wade around in the sea. Doing all sorts of crazy things like pretending the clay/sand to be shit and throwing it around at each other. WB got pushed into the sea and soon became a common target.
After washing up, (and discovering that ALL the fishes in the pond at one of the toilet areas were DEAD with the bodies all piled up!) we went ahead to eat at marina south. We picked "zheng fa huo hai xian". They really serve live prawns.. haha. Joanne was screaming each time the prawns jumped in the plastic container. I bagged my share of chicken and pork and we started to feast. Halfway through I got really thirsty and went hunting around for the watermelons.
I got searched around the whole place but couldn't find any cut watermelon. Just the whole melons in whole. I went back to the table and told them my crazy idea that I might as well just bag the whole melon to the table, "uncle, watermelon yi li".
I went back and asked the person when will the melons be ready to be served.. he said 2 minutes. So I stood there and waited. hahhaa.. then snatch! Went back excited with my prize, they cleared a plate and got me back to snatch somemore~~mm
Towards the end, the food got really too salty to tolerate. And I told them that maybe the uncle at the drink stall is in charge of the salt.. "add more salt!add more salt! buy more drinks! wahaha". By than I was abit drunk with food and very much crazy. Started playing with my food. I got two of the crabs legs and stuffed them into my mouth, doing a predator impersonation.
Then I got the crazy idea of snapping off the end segment, and placing it into my mouth.. so I looked like dracula~ wahhaahhaa. Everyone was pretty crazy by that point. ZL tried to follow what I was doing and stuff crab legs into his mouth too. lol. At the end, I stuffed all the legs into a "man tou", to make a "man tou crab" with a pincer for a head.*snap pic*
On the way back, ML started becoming REALLY CRAZY. KEEP TRYING TO PINCH MY FACE. UGH. GO AWAY!! NI ZHOU KAI!! hope shes not reading this.. ahaha
Okok. This morning went Sentosa with my secondary school friends expecting to get some serious sun scorching. I bought nothing but just a pouch and a towel, wallet and hp. haha. All was well up to the point where we actually were at siloso beach. *rUMble rumBLe* RAIN.
In the mean time, Meilian and Wenbin went off to look for Joanne. At first it got abit dark, then it got rEALLY dark. I got this crazy imagination that the dark clouds were just blowing around in circles above our heads. Dennis got demoralised, claiming that he runs on solar power. hah!
We pounced on a vacant shelter area and sort of made it our territory. I got this crazy idea that we should sit in a circle and start chanting and dancing like jungle people so that we scare off other people who want to invade our hut. hahaha
We sat around chatting abit. Before deciding that we might as well go out and play in the rain. And what we did? ahem.. we started to build sand castles because I notice the sand was wet and conducive, and we 1st built..a.. ahem.ahem. lol.
It was damn crazy.. we were laughing all the way. After awhile it got demolished, by this time zk and his gf was here. We decided to build something more decent. Then, twin towers with planes on both sides. hahaha! madness. All the while in the rain.
2 hours passed and ML and WB are still not back yet. They finally reached after we waited for some time more. Then we played captains ball. Yet another fitful worth of laughter. Then we went to wade around in the sea. Doing all sorts of crazy things like pretending the clay/sand to be shit and throwing it around at each other. WB got pushed into the sea and soon became a common target.
After washing up, (and discovering that ALL the fishes in the pond at one of the toilet areas were DEAD with the bodies all piled up!) we went ahead to eat at marina south. We picked "zheng fa huo hai xian". They really serve live prawns.. haha. Joanne was screaming each time the prawns jumped in the plastic container. I bagged my share of chicken and pork and we started to feast. Halfway through I got really thirsty and went hunting around for the watermelons.
I got searched around the whole place but couldn't find any cut watermelon. Just the whole melons in whole. I went back to the table and told them my crazy idea that I might as well just bag the whole melon to the table, "uncle, watermelon yi li".
I went back and asked the person when will the melons be ready to be served.. he said 2 minutes. So I stood there and waited. hahhaa.. then snatch! Went back excited with my prize, they cleared a plate and got me back to snatch somemore~~mm
Towards the end, the food got really too salty to tolerate. And I told them that maybe the uncle at the drink stall is in charge of the salt.. "add more salt!add more salt! buy more drinks! wahaha". By than I was abit drunk with food and very much crazy. Started playing with my food. I got two of the crabs legs and stuffed them into my mouth, doing a predator impersonation.
Then I got the crazy idea of snapping off the end segment, and placing it into my mouth.. so I looked like dracula~ wahhaahhaa. Everyone was pretty crazy by that point. ZL tried to follow what I was doing and stuff crab legs into his mouth too. lol. At the end, I stuffed all the legs into a "man tou", to make a "man tou crab" with a pincer for a head.*snap pic*
On the way back, ML started becoming REALLY CRAZY. KEEP TRYING TO PINCH MY FACE. UGH. GO AWAY!! NI ZHOU KAI!! hope shes not reading this.. ahaha
Sunday, April 23, 2006
You're beautiful..
Just yesterday I had a conversation with Hannah. Feeling blue cos I got a feeling that a friend is drifting away from me. Maybe abit more than that. It seems that slowly, once again I am being forgotten. Everytime someone drifts away, it seems you lose alittle part of yourself. Bit by bit. Hannah said I just have to move on and live with it. It will take awhile for the memory to fade. Thanks for the memories. I will move on. Perhaps at the end of days, we'll all turn to smile at our past in longing, and learn to smile at each other again.
Stigma. I have since quited my job. I guess my leave came as quite a shock to most of them. They ask why go for a job that pays less? I guess i'm more of an idealistic than a realistic person. I can't settle for a job just for the money alone. There must be the interest. I must say, these people sure are an enjoyable bunch =]. Had some funny times with them. Hope you guys continue to have fun there.
Stigma. I have since quited my job. I guess my leave came as quite a shock to most of them. They ask why go for a job that pays less? I guess i'm more of an idealistic than a realistic person. I can't settle for a job just for the money alone. There must be the interest. I must say, these people sure are an enjoyable bunch =]. Had some funny times with them. Hope you guys continue to have fun there.
Friday, April 21, 2006
relieved...
Entry for: 19/04/2006
Ever been in a situation where you actually need to come up with something to look forward to in life in order to get on without feeling low? Yes, it's about my job again. I now understand why the employee replacement rate is so high here. I've lost count of the number of people i've irritated with my incessant phone calls. So what is it I look forward to? Quiting. In fact, i've been thinking about it for awhile. Even trying to get my friends to join me in this job just so it'll encourage me to stay on. But I figured it won't be a good idea. I think it's better just to quit. It's taking a toil on my health. Hope zoo gets to me soon...
During lunch time, Hui zheng aka !Tudi! messaged me. Says she'll be able to watch Ice Age II with me later! haha. So good. This is a GOOD !TUDI! =p.
Heard news that one of the temp staff under field research is having her last day today. This kinda strengthened my resolve to tender my resignation.
~The working day ends~
I went to my boss and told her of my intention to quit. To my surprise, she took it quite well. I assured her that I will try my best to clear my pending call lists over the next 2 days. Out of her kindness, she actually decided to pay me in full rather than the 1/2 pay that was expected for breaking the contract. Thanks Alison. =]
6.30pm. I went down to suntec to meet !Tudi!. Feeling extremely relieved that i've finally resigned. We went makan at some vegi restaurent. Catch up on gossips and crapping before entering the theatre at 7.30pm.
~Movie Ends~
Ice Age II is actually quite enjoyable. Good stuff if you just want some absolutely brainless entertainment. It's meant for kids anyway. I was telling my !Tudi! that, yes we finally realise we've grown old now that such shows no longer seem funny. hah.
We loitered around suntec after that, crapping as we go before meeting Shi Hong on the way home. Shi Hong was telling us how he plans to start a Cafe. And the 3 of us "craps-storm" the idea of opening a "biotech theme" cafe. hahaha. sssh. Details secret. =p
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Honestly, speaking..
Entry for: 18/04/2006
This is one of those blog entries where i've decided that I shouldn't keep everything to myself. Here goes...
Just this morning I took a halfday leave. Was too tired to crawl to work this morning. Actually it's more because of the fact that I intend to quit soon, which if I do, i'd probably get half pay for the week anyway.
About 10am I woke up to the booming voice of dad ranting away unreasonably at mommy. As usual. Reminds me of just yesterday when dad argued heatedly with sis over some trival matter. We have all quite resigned to the fact that theres no way to reason with anymore.
It feels weird to see dad so detached from reason. I quickly rushed off to work after settling the matter and finishing breakfast. Unfortunately, another boring day at the office. I'm really not suited for this kinda job. oh well...
Reached home at 7.30pm. On the way back, a friend called me. Sounding somewhat suspiciously, to ask me if I might join her for dinner. Was too far off, so she said nevermind.
Back home mommy was talking to san jie. Mom just came back from hospital checkup. The cancer department. There appears to be come form of tissue growth in her uterus. She said the doctors took tissue samples for analysis. I wonder when will the results be out. She came home to tell us about it, sounding almost amused. I wonder how is she apprehending this. I'm worried.
Later in the night I played DOTA with AI for awhile, when I recieved a message from my suspicious friend. She can't make it for the movie tomorrow. Yikes. I think theres more to it. Nevermind. I already have the tickets. Have to try and find someone free tomorrow. Suddenly got no appetite for dinner. Sad...
This is one of those blog entries where i've decided that I shouldn't keep everything to myself. Here goes...
Just this morning I took a halfday leave. Was too tired to crawl to work this morning. Actually it's more because of the fact that I intend to quit soon, which if I do, i'd probably get half pay for the week anyway.
About 10am I woke up to the booming voice of dad ranting away unreasonably at mommy. As usual. Reminds me of just yesterday when dad argued heatedly with sis over some trival matter. We have all quite resigned to the fact that theres no way to reason with anymore.
It feels weird to see dad so detached from reason. I quickly rushed off to work after settling the matter and finishing breakfast. Unfortunately, another boring day at the office. I'm really not suited for this kinda job. oh well...
Reached home at 7.30pm. On the way back, a friend called me. Sounding somewhat suspiciously, to ask me if I might join her for dinner. Was too far off, so she said nevermind.
Back home mommy was talking to san jie. Mom just came back from hospital checkup. The cancer department. There appears to be come form of tissue growth in her uterus. She said the doctors took tissue samples for analysis. I wonder when will the results be out. She came home to tell us about it, sounding almost amused. I wonder how is she apprehending this. I'm worried.
Later in the night I played DOTA with AI for awhile, when I recieved a message from my suspicious friend. She can't make it for the movie tomorrow. Yikes. I think theres more to it. Nevermind. I already have the tickets. Have to try and find someone free tomorrow. Suddenly got no appetite for dinner. Sad...
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Feeling on a Spur
I wish to a write a story of feeling, a sense oh so true.
One I just felt moments and moments ago, tinge of sadness, forlorn and blue.
Moments ago I lay in my bed, trying to rest my mind. Trying to end the scourge of late nights, habits so haply mine. Eyes closed and head on pillow, breathing slowly to calm.
In the silence I could hear, a distant rumbling in the dark.
“Oh it’s going rain”, I thought and then the feeling came.
In the silence of night so drowned by words, a mind was in despair.
And in that mind, were the thoughts of people and people still.
Over and over the scenes narrate. A spiral with meanings obscured. Here I try to put in words the minutes that ensued.
In the mind where time transients, to many the times so long ago. The feeling that came with knowing people and that wandered as they go. People come and placed aside the thing which makes us all. A memory of companionship, flavor, summer and fall.
You I remember that came to bridge the gap, of boredom and solitude that often a student’s mishap.
So many a times the mind had wished that more could be said to that.
It came and it went the feeling, again and again. Oh how I wish it would stop.
The smell of rain reaches me now. How I love that smell. Yet no rain has yet to be seen, just the telling breeze and sound.
This is the weather which I find peace, for reasons I only suppose. That while others seek the glorious sun, attention was found in darkness and prose.
There are the ones though, you, that the mind know not what to feel. But a feeling does come to reside, un-deciphered yet potent still.
Will you stay and play? But go you may still. In others favor find you will.
To the ones always sought after, the mind ponders. What effort is seeking and find? Leave me, so bitterness consumes.
One I just felt moments and moments ago, tinge of sadness, forlorn and blue.
Moments ago I lay in my bed, trying to rest my mind. Trying to end the scourge of late nights, habits so haply mine. Eyes closed and head on pillow, breathing slowly to calm.
In the silence I could hear, a distant rumbling in the dark.
“Oh it’s going rain”, I thought and then the feeling came.
In the silence of night so drowned by words, a mind was in despair.
And in that mind, were the thoughts of people and people still.
Over and over the scenes narrate. A spiral with meanings obscured. Here I try to put in words the minutes that ensued.
In the mind where time transients, to many the times so long ago. The feeling that came with knowing people and that wandered as they go. People come and placed aside the thing which makes us all. A memory of companionship, flavor, summer and fall.
You I remember that came to bridge the gap, of boredom and solitude that often a student’s mishap.
So many a times the mind had wished that more could be said to that.
It came and it went the feeling, again and again. Oh how I wish it would stop.
The smell of rain reaches me now. How I love that smell. Yet no rain has yet to be seen, just the telling breeze and sound.
This is the weather which I find peace, for reasons I only suppose. That while others seek the glorious sun, attention was found in darkness and prose.
There are the ones though, you, that the mind know not what to feel. But a feeling does come to reside, un-deciphered yet potent still.
Will you stay and play? But go you may still. In others favor find you will.
To the ones always sought after, the mind ponders. What effort is seeking and find? Leave me, so bitterness consumes.
Of the days so spent, to fatigue the body and lay the mind to numb.
Together were many the hours, and laughter full of glee. At the end of the day the mind wonders, was laughter just propensity? Time flies when you are having fun, or when fun is having you.
The mind wonders on.
Yet it is the ones that do not question, that seems to last long. And for the ones that eventually speaks, lustre is hard to carry on.
A memory pops up, to serve and remind. Yes, there are those that the memory scarcely a place it finds. What horror that would be, if I am such a memory.
It is this fear that the mind supposed, to draw a moving on.
My mind shifts to near present, or past and future expects. What has yet again happened, to make this repeat again. What a friend must one comprehend, to not feel it again. In desperation I confessed, will one be made to stay?
Rain is here. I rushed to close the windows, to avoid getting wet. Yet there are times when I just wished, rain would drench me through.
How often does one feel, that no one is around? How often is often, to be considered sound? How many have changed, just to feel alright. How many have lost the self that might have been right.
After all that I have written to satisfy my mind, the feeling still lingers. Why oh why? If only you would read and feel the same. And if you do, if only I know you. If only I knew.
Together were many the hours, and laughter full of glee. At the end of the day the mind wonders, was laughter just propensity? Time flies when you are having fun, or when fun is having you.
The mind wonders on.
Yet it is the ones that do not question, that seems to last long. And for the ones that eventually speaks, lustre is hard to carry on.
A memory pops up, to serve and remind. Yes, there are those that the memory scarcely a place it finds. What horror that would be, if I am such a memory.
It is this fear that the mind supposed, to draw a moving on.
My mind shifts to near present, or past and future expects. What has yet again happened, to make this repeat again. What a friend must one comprehend, to not feel it again. In desperation I confessed, will one be made to stay?
Rain is here. I rushed to close the windows, to avoid getting wet. Yet there are times when I just wished, rain would drench me through.
How often does one feel, that no one is around? How often is often, to be considered sound? How many have changed, just to feel alright. How many have lost the self that might have been right.
After all that I have written to satisfy my mind, the feeling still lingers. Why oh why? If only you would read and feel the same. And if you do, if only I know you. If only I knew.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
The Pursuit of Happiness
Greetings,
Just a few days ago, there was this fasinating documentary on discovery channel. It was about the malleable human mind. At the time when I chanced upon the documentary, it was talking about the cause of maniac depression and the use of prozac, an anti-depressant.
An interesting question was popped, If prozac elevates depression, does over dose make a person happy? The researchers said no, and that they were not at the moment researching on any drug that can give a person the feeling of happiness. Which brings to mind, if such a drug is actually possible, what horrendous consequences would that bring? If the purpose of life is the pursuit of happiness, wouldnt that breed a society of perpetual pill-poppers?
Yet that is what happiness truly is when it manifests. A chemical reaction in the brain. Lack of a certain reaction, and you get depression. No matter how unjustified or advised, how religiously trained or mentally conditioned, it still boils down to the chemical reactions.
The documentary continues and tells about how the brain interpretes happiness. It is known that whenever we experience a sense of joy, there is increased brain activity in the left side of our brain. The more happy we are, the further back is the activity on the left side. What this suggest is that, the happiest person on earth, is probably a senior tibetan monk. Scientist conducted a MRI scan on the brain of meditating monks and discover that during meditation, the brain activity was not only on the left side, but further back than everybody else that was tested.
Infact, monks who practised meditation for years were so trained into controlling their minds, that by simply asking them to think of compassion, love, peace, they can dramatically shift the area of brain activity which is something that surprised the neurologists themselves.
In an attempt to test the powers of meditation, an experiment was conducted with 2 groups of volunteers from different walks of urban life. 1 group was to simply live their lives as per normal but to recieve MRI scans periodically. The other group, was sent on a regular 3 month long course on meditation where they learnt how to meditate. Results showed that the group which practise meditation, showed marked differences in brain activity compared to the control group. They had more activity further back on the left side of their brains. They were more happy, so to speak.
That the human mind, as is with the body, can be physically moulded by practice even if for just a short time, just as an athelete can mould his body is also shown in another study. London taxi drivers. Taxi drivers given brain scans by scientists at University College London had a larger hippocampus compared with other people. This is a part of the brain associated with navigation in birds and animals. The scientists also found part of the hippocampus grew larger as the taxi drivers spent more time in the job.
Throughout most of our lives, we tend to be taught to seek and pursuit happiness as an ultimate, sanctified and sacred purpose. It is a concept constantly preached by religious leaders and politicians alike. Yet now it is slowly being revealed that 'happiness' is actually more tangible, more malleable then we had ever previously thought. If the pursuit of happiness is the ultimate purpose in life, shouldnt we all start living in seclusion to meditate? Or develop a divine 'happiness' pill?
Just a few days ago, there was this fasinating documentary on discovery channel. It was about the malleable human mind. At the time when I chanced upon the documentary, it was talking about the cause of maniac depression and the use of prozac, an anti-depressant.
An interesting question was popped, If prozac elevates depression, does over dose make a person happy? The researchers said no, and that they were not at the moment researching on any drug that can give a person the feeling of happiness. Which brings to mind, if such a drug is actually possible, what horrendous consequences would that bring? If the purpose of life is the pursuit of happiness, wouldnt that breed a society of perpetual pill-poppers?
Yet that is what happiness truly is when it manifests. A chemical reaction in the brain. Lack of a certain reaction, and you get depression. No matter how unjustified or advised, how religiously trained or mentally conditioned, it still boils down to the chemical reactions.
The documentary continues and tells about how the brain interpretes happiness. It is known that whenever we experience a sense of joy, there is increased brain activity in the left side of our brain. The more happy we are, the further back is the activity on the left side. What this suggest is that, the happiest person on earth, is probably a senior tibetan monk. Scientist conducted a MRI scan on the brain of meditating monks and discover that during meditation, the brain activity was not only on the left side, but further back than everybody else that was tested.
Infact, monks who practised meditation for years were so trained into controlling their minds, that by simply asking them to think of compassion, love, peace, they can dramatically shift the area of brain activity which is something that surprised the neurologists themselves.
In an attempt to test the powers of meditation, an experiment was conducted with 2 groups of volunteers from different walks of urban life. 1 group was to simply live their lives as per normal but to recieve MRI scans periodically. The other group, was sent on a regular 3 month long course on meditation where they learnt how to meditate. Results showed that the group which practise meditation, showed marked differences in brain activity compared to the control group. They had more activity further back on the left side of their brains. They were more happy, so to speak.
That the human mind, as is with the body, can be physically moulded by practice even if for just a short time, just as an athelete can mould his body is also shown in another study. London taxi drivers. Taxi drivers given brain scans by scientists at University College London had a larger hippocampus compared with other people. This is a part of the brain associated with navigation in birds and animals. The scientists also found part of the hippocampus grew larger as the taxi drivers spent more time in the job.
Throughout most of our lives, we tend to be taught to seek and pursuit happiness as an ultimate, sanctified and sacred purpose. It is a concept constantly preached by religious leaders and politicians alike. Yet now it is slowly being revealed that 'happiness' is actually more tangible, more malleable then we had ever previously thought. If the pursuit of happiness is the ultimate purpose in life, shouldnt we all start living in seclusion to meditate? Or develop a divine 'happiness' pill?
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
oh what madness....
Greetings,
Today I had my OC presentation. Which by the horrors was followed by a quiz later. My mind was with so much madness. Heres the speech I prepared...
The presentation went ok… but unfortunately, I didn’t get the grade I was hoping for. Oh well…
Then there was the quiz…madness… I am gonna hate seeing the score for that one…
Back home my mind gave up on me and I feel asleep like never before. I didn’t even know where I was when I woke up. I had dreams so vivid… so long since I last even had any dreams. Such deep sleep… oOoOo
Today I had my OC presentation. Which by the horrors was followed by a quiz later. My mind was with so much madness. Heres the speech I prepared...
Good morning mr seto and fellow classmates, I am Lim Yok Zuan. Thank you
everyone for giving us presenters today ur attention, eventhough there is a quiz
later. On behalf of all the presenters today, I Thank you.
There is a nursery rhyme that goes like this, “twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder
what u are.” You knw I remb when I was very young, after I listen to this
nursery rhyme, I ask my father. “ah pa, what is a star?” and he replied, “siao
ah, a star is a star la, ask stupid qns!”. So today, I will tell u ALL about
STARS.
(Click)
Do u knw that each time u look up into the sky and see a
star, u are actually looking deep into the history of our universe? Because
stars are so far away, light takes 1000s even millions of years to travel from
there to here. So what u see each time u look at the bright dot in the sky is
actually things that already happened 1000s and millions of years
ago.
(click)
Stars are so far away, yet they play a very significant role
in our existence. Today I will be telling u abt the life of stars, how stars
begin, how they live and eventually, how they may die.
(click)
In space there is a lot of hydrogen. Stars form when a critical mass of hydrogen clouds
in space get squeezed together by gravity so close that thermonuclear fusion
takes place. The hydrogen atoms fuse to become helium. This fusion of hydrogen
into helium releases huge amounts of energy in the process. This is why a star
shines. As long as the chain reaction is sustained, A STAR IS
BORN!
(click)
But it doesn’t stop here. As the star use hydrogen, it makes
helium. When it runs out of hydrogen, the core shrinks as it is no longer hot
enough to hold against gravity. It then collapses until the core becomes compact
enough for Helium to fuse, this time into carbon and oxygen. But even helium
runs out, now carbon and oxygen start to fuse into silicon and neon and so on
and so forth (click). As this animation shows, each time it collapses to fuse
new elements, it releases a sudden burst of energy that blasts off some of its
surface; the cycle repeats until eventually iron is formed in the core of the
star. Iron simply cannot fuse into other elements.
(click)
But even the iron core itself eventually collapses. What happens next is spectacular! Imagine
in less than a second it collapses from the size of 8,000 km wide to become only
20km wide. This Releases a sudden enormous amount of energy. I knw this is
getting hard to imagine so let me show u an animation of this (click). U cant
see the core here, but the core actually shrinks, and releases a huge wall of
energy, equivalent to 100 suns burning for 10billion years in this split second!
This energy slams into the outer layer. And the entire outer layer of the star
literally explodes from the core!! It is in this explosion that trace element
heavier than iron are formed. This event is known as a
supernova.
(click)
Some stars are supermassive. With hundreds even thousands times the mass of normal stars. In this case something even more spectacular happens! Such stars because they are so big they collapse so fast under their own weight, that these dying stars release an incredible burst of
energy, so much energy, equivalent to our Sun 880 billion years, in a single
terrible blast (click for GRB!) known as the gamma ray burst. In this brief
moment, the dying star becomes the brightest thing in the universe. What remains
of the once bright star now becomes a black hole.
(click)
What happens if such an event were to occur near earth? If a gamma ray burst were to occur near
earth, what we will see is the skies suddenly turn bright blue. Then the seas
would boil and the land become as fire. GRB are pretty much the ultimate
sterilant of our universe. And it has happen b4. 500 million years ago, a GRB
occured 6,000 light-years away from Earth. That is 5.7x1017 km away. So far
away. Yet 60% of all life on earth was extinguished. The event is known as the
Ordovician mass extinction.
(click)
I have talked abt how stars are made as the result of the thermonuclear fusion of simple elements into complex elements. Look around u, everything u see, everything you knw, your hands, ur
table tennis ball, your brain, ur fav canoe, elephants, rabbits. Everything is
made from atoms and elements. And what made these elements are the furnaces in
the sky. They came from stars! Lastly I hav also talked abt how stars will
eventually die. Possibly with a catastrophic bang.
We owe our
existence to the stars. For those of us who wonder why we exist, rather than
look down into a microscope, try looking up into a telescope instead. I hope the
next time u look into a star, u remb that there is something in common between u
and these stars in the sky, because we too are made from stardust. And chances
are, all of us and everything on earth once came from the same twinkle twinkle
little star. Next time your children ask you, “what are stars?”… I hope you will
my presentation today.
(click)
Now is the time for me to address your questions. Any questions from the floor?
The presentation went ok… but unfortunately, I didn’t get the grade I was hoping for. Oh well…
Then there was the quiz…madness… I am gonna hate seeing the score for that one…
Back home my mind gave up on me and I feel asleep like never before. I didn’t even know where I was when I woke up. I had dreams so vivid… so long since I last even had any dreams. Such deep sleep… oOoOo
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Cycling: Bottle Tree Village
Greetings again,
It has been awhile hasn’t it? Yesterday, I went cycling to bottle tree village in Sembawang. Setting off at 2.30pm I rode my bike down Choa Chu Kang North 6 passing by Yew Tee MRT station. It was a nice cloudy day, not what I would usually prefer though. I was expecting the blazing sun but nonetheless, the day is still for cycling. After a brief stop at the petrol station to stiffen my wheels, I peddled down towards the railway bridge, heading for Woodlands Road.
Being in the day it seemed safer to cycle on the pavement. The horrendously bumpy pavement. Zipping pass curious drivers, bumping my way towards Mandai Road I wondered to myself just why am I doing this. Why am I heading for the shear suffering which awaits anyone wishing to go down Mandai Road. As the hills approach, the mind wanes. Things blur as fatigue sets in and sensations dull under the scorch of lactic acid.
I exited Mandai Road and pass by Yishun. “Sembawang”, I told myself. That’s where I am heading to. Riding down Yishun Avenue 2 I realized I didn’t know which junction to turn at. Not willing to trust my instincts, I rode until I could see Sembawang MRT station before I back tracked to the previous junction. In the map I forgot to bring, I was supposed to turn only at that junction. Am I going to get lost? A sickening thought as I was already tired. No choice but to convince myself that if I do get lost, simply cycling south will get me home… no matter how long.
At the junction, alas! The sign “Sembawang Park” greets me. Yes! On the right track so I was. Tired but eager, I pushed on down the winding road. How quiet it was this road, tranquil as such it really makes me expect to see a kampong village. Finally there it was, Bottle Tree Village. Ah… so those are the bottle trees. And what is this? A park connector which links to yishun park? Curious and attracted by the quiet cycling track, I find myself riding down just to see if it really does connect to Yishun park.
The trail ends abruptly into Yishun avenue 2. Alright… so where is Yishun park? Turning left, I headed back down along Yishun avenue just to look for the park. After awhile, I gave up. Turning back when I saw North Point shopping centre. Time to head home I guess. So I headed towards Causeway point. “Shouldn’t be that far”, or so I thought. By now, dehydration and its effects had set in. I begin to feel alittle desperate. My rickety bike starts to complain as well, squeaking ever more the frequent. Distracting myself from the strain, I looked around the environment. How interesting, this is the very first time I’m cycling in Admiralty. At every turn, an unfamiliar street beckons. If only I have the time to cycle through all of them!
Down Woodlands Avenue I went, the traffic beginning to build up as peak hour arrives. It is almost 5pm now and the streets are beginning to bustle with life. Like an observer from outer space I road along side the cars, casually and curiously wondering how these streaming masses of persons are leading their lives. Are they happy? Sad? Lonely?
Finally about an hour later, I turned into Woodlands Road… the familiar sight of the petrol station signifying the end of my journey for the day!! oOo [35 kilometers in total]
It has been awhile hasn’t it? Yesterday, I went cycling to bottle tree village in Sembawang. Setting off at 2.30pm I rode my bike down Choa Chu Kang North 6 passing by Yew Tee MRT station. It was a nice cloudy day, not what I would usually prefer though. I was expecting the blazing sun but nonetheless, the day is still for cycling. After a brief stop at the petrol station to stiffen my wheels, I peddled down towards the railway bridge, heading for Woodlands Road.
Being in the day it seemed safer to cycle on the pavement. The horrendously bumpy pavement. Zipping pass curious drivers, bumping my way towards Mandai Road I wondered to myself just why am I doing this. Why am I heading for the shear suffering which awaits anyone wishing to go down Mandai Road. As the hills approach, the mind wanes. Things blur as fatigue sets in and sensations dull under the scorch of lactic acid.
I exited Mandai Road and pass by Yishun. “Sembawang”, I told myself. That’s where I am heading to. Riding down Yishun Avenue 2 I realized I didn’t know which junction to turn at. Not willing to trust my instincts, I rode until I could see Sembawang MRT station before I back tracked to the previous junction. In the map I forgot to bring, I was supposed to turn only at that junction. Am I going to get lost? A sickening thought as I was already tired. No choice but to convince myself that if I do get lost, simply cycling south will get me home… no matter how long.
At the junction, alas! The sign “Sembawang Park” greets me. Yes! On the right track so I was. Tired but eager, I pushed on down the winding road. How quiet it was this road, tranquil as such it really makes me expect to see a kampong village. Finally there it was, Bottle Tree Village. Ah… so those are the bottle trees. And what is this? A park connector which links to yishun park? Curious and attracted by the quiet cycling track, I find myself riding down just to see if it really does connect to Yishun park.
The trail ends abruptly into Yishun avenue 2. Alright… so where is Yishun park? Turning left, I headed back down along Yishun avenue just to look for the park. After awhile, I gave up. Turning back when I saw North Point shopping centre. Time to head home I guess. So I headed towards Causeway point. “Shouldn’t be that far”, or so I thought. By now, dehydration and its effects had set in. I begin to feel alittle desperate. My rickety bike starts to complain as well, squeaking ever more the frequent. Distracting myself from the strain, I looked around the environment. How interesting, this is the very first time I’m cycling in Admiralty. At every turn, an unfamiliar street beckons. If only I have the time to cycle through all of them!
Down Woodlands Avenue I went, the traffic beginning to build up as peak hour arrives. It is almost 5pm now and the streets are beginning to bustle with life. Like an observer from outer space I road along side the cars, casually and curiously wondering how these streaming masses of persons are leading their lives. Are they happy? Sad? Lonely?
Finally about an hour later, I turned into Woodlands Road… the familiar sight of the petrol station signifying the end of my journey for the day!! oOo [35 kilometers in total]
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Just this morning...
Greetings again,
Recently it seems, life for me has been swinging from extremes. I know all too well that this might just be a period of “growing pains”. But little am I aware of the depth my psychology being affected. “losing it” perhaps that’s what they call. There were periods of time when I felt very alone. When it seems all the world owed me an apology for my feeling neglected. I felt like for all that I’ve done to feel welcomed or accepted, my efforts have been in vain. And that perhaps, it’s time to return the favor. We feel this way sometimes... don't we all?
I have felt hurt, that sent messages were not replied. I have had voiced out my protest to demand attention. But how sane are these actions? How much should I expect? Haven’t I suffered enough to expect the world to treat me better? A consuming bitterness.
It seems that, every time things start to look good. I forget how it came to be this way. Perhaps I have taken my pleasures for granted. Life for me it seems, have forgotten its value. I feel lost, there is no purpose. After all that I have done, I am still neither here nor there. Still so human, so ordinary. Why is everyone enjoying life but me? And indeed, fallen for the trap of humanity I did. Everyday, hoping that someone would save me from this torment.
Today was going to be another agonizing day of seemingly mundane nothingness. As usual, I woke up to check my hp. No one messaged. Yet another flash of discontent. As usual I lumbered to wash-up. Then switched on the computer in hopes of finding someone of my predicament to lament with.
A friend of my came online. Someone who I never felt would be able to understand my frustrated feelings. She said “hi” and I replied as a matter of routine, expecting yet another pointless casual talk. Yet today was different. She spoke of life, its meaning with regards to death. At once it regained my interests. Finally someone else who contemplates life like I do? It turns out that the treat of certain death was a looming in her family. A terminal illness. I tried to console her.
She spoke of her worry about her seeming helplessness. Of what can be done. I told her that perhaps she can help her loved one to accomplish final wishes. But that was out due to circumstances.
I told her that maybe she should spend more time getting to know the person better. Because everyone needs someone to talk to...and maybe when you talk to the person, you will know what can be done. I asked her to query about the loved one’s past… what were the dreams back when days were young and perhaps the ideals on life... and how best to live it. I told her perhaps she needs to talk to the people around her as well, because while the afflicted may be suffering physically... everybody else is suffering emotionally... and that she has to be strong to console the others too... that way... you wont feel like there is nothing you can do.
She spoke of being aware of that, but that shyness prevented her communication.
And I said,
“aha... shy... hmm... ya... can understand... but next time when u are old.. u will realise that its silly to feel this way.. miss out on alot of things.. its always gd to open up to ppl... not everyone can talk to ppl... but everyone needs to talk. Even if when u talk to them... they shun u or reject u... at least u hav done what u ought to do... and theres nth to regret... not everyone may like to talk to you... but u shld try to talk to everyone. life is short right... why keep it to urself in silence... let ppl know u care.”
Suddenly I realized I was really talking to myself. These were exactly the words I need to elevate my depression. Life is short, how could I afford to succumb so much time to all this meaningless bitterness? Where have all my values gone too… indeed I was so lost. Drowning deep in my sea of loathing. I have forgotten myself…
Recently it seems, life for me has been swinging from extremes. I know all too well that this might just be a period of “growing pains”. But little am I aware of the depth my psychology being affected. “losing it” perhaps that’s what they call. There were periods of time when I felt very alone. When it seems all the world owed me an apology for my feeling neglected. I felt like for all that I’ve done to feel welcomed or accepted, my efforts have been in vain. And that perhaps, it’s time to return the favor. We feel this way sometimes... don't we all?
I have felt hurt, that sent messages were not replied. I have had voiced out my protest to demand attention. But how sane are these actions? How much should I expect? Haven’t I suffered enough to expect the world to treat me better? A consuming bitterness.
It seems that, every time things start to look good. I forget how it came to be this way. Perhaps I have taken my pleasures for granted. Life for me it seems, have forgotten its value. I feel lost, there is no purpose. After all that I have done, I am still neither here nor there. Still so human, so ordinary. Why is everyone enjoying life but me? And indeed, fallen for the trap of humanity I did. Everyday, hoping that someone would save me from this torment.
Today was going to be another agonizing day of seemingly mundane nothingness. As usual, I woke up to check my hp. No one messaged. Yet another flash of discontent. As usual I lumbered to wash-up. Then switched on the computer in hopes of finding someone of my predicament to lament with.
A friend of my came online. Someone who I never felt would be able to understand my frustrated feelings. She said “hi” and I replied as a matter of routine, expecting yet another pointless casual talk. Yet today was different. She spoke of life, its meaning with regards to death. At once it regained my interests. Finally someone else who contemplates life like I do? It turns out that the treat of certain death was a looming in her family. A terminal illness. I tried to console her.
She spoke of her worry about her seeming helplessness. Of what can be done. I told her that perhaps she can help her loved one to accomplish final wishes. But that was out due to circumstances.
I told her that maybe she should spend more time getting to know the person better. Because everyone needs someone to talk to...and maybe when you talk to the person, you will know what can be done. I asked her to query about the loved one’s past… what were the dreams back when days were young and perhaps the ideals on life... and how best to live it. I told her perhaps she needs to talk to the people around her as well, because while the afflicted may be suffering physically... everybody else is suffering emotionally... and that she has to be strong to console the others too... that way... you wont feel like there is nothing you can do.
She spoke of being aware of that, but that shyness prevented her communication.
And I said,
“aha... shy... hmm... ya... can understand... but next time when u are old.. u will realise that its silly to feel this way.. miss out on alot of things.. its always gd to open up to ppl... not everyone can talk to ppl... but everyone needs to talk. Even if when u talk to them... they shun u or reject u... at least u hav done what u ought to do... and theres nth to regret... not everyone may like to talk to you... but u shld try to talk to everyone. life is short right... why keep it to urself in silence... let ppl know u care.”
Suddenly I realized I was really talking to myself. These were exactly the words I need to elevate my depression. Life is short, how could I afford to succumb so much time to all this meaningless bitterness? Where have all my values gone too… indeed I was so lost. Drowning deep in my sea of loathing. I have forgotten myself…
Sunday, March 20, 2005
What have I done?
Greetings again,
Hmm... I have not been well recieved lately. I wonder why. Seems everyone is not quite in the mood for a conversation with me. Perhaps it was something I did. Yet, I have no inkling as to what that would be. Perhaps someone would be kind enough to offer the liberty of enlightening me??
*sign* How dejecting.
Hmm... I have not been well recieved lately. I wonder why. Seems everyone is not quite in the mood for a conversation with me. Perhaps it was something I did. Yet, I have no inkling as to what that would be. Perhaps someone would be kind enough to offer the liberty of enlightening me??
*sign* How dejecting.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Tribute to Friendship
Greetings again,
I have a friend call Hannah whom I met during my 1st 3months in JI. She is quite unique among the people I know because she is a Taiwanese who has an American father and a Filipino mother. She was my classmate in JI but we seldom really get to have much time to spend interacting. But somehow we manage to click pretty well and I get this comfortable feeling of certain benevolence about her. She is always so friendly to everyone, so nice and kind. Never do I hear her gossip about people or claim that this or that person has this or that bad traits. And she is always very approachable. I can safely say that she was the last person who I think will harm anyone.
During my time in JI, I was pretty introverted. You can say that I was afraid or maybe unwilling to make friends. I will try not to be involved in gatherings or any games my classmates were enjoying. Even before I was ushered into the class, in the orientation group that I was in I also made an effort not to interact too much. Or rather the lack of effort to interact. And even during the orientation games, I tried to take a more quiet impression.
Because of her sociability, I tend to always only talk to her in class but still I was always very reserved. I only intended to make an acquaintance. I did not wish to put any effort into being a friend nor did I wish to make any friends. I just interacted with the people minimally who I need to know to get along in life.
After jus 3 weeks in JI, I left and hoped that I would never have anything to do with the place anymore.
Sometime later, Hannah informed me that there was a JI class gathering BBQ and asked me to come along. Feeling that I should still keep my acquaintances, I agreed to go. Throughout the event, I talked to people, joked with people, but somehow it just wasn’t very right. I knew myself that I simply did not wish to spend my time and effort in making friends. When it was over, we would go our separate ways and probably never met each other again. This is what always happens.
A few months later, I was surprised that Hannah contacted me again. This time she asked me out for a movie. I was pretty amused that someone who I absolutely did not think I was close with would ask me that, so I agreed to go. Upon arriving I realized that she had also asked a few of her friends along. The interesting thing is that, the friends that she asked along mostly do not know each other. So it was kind of like a strangers gathering where the only person we know is Hannah. It was quite interesting, knowing new people and talking about our lives. But at the end of the day, as usual, we left our separate ways knowing we probably will never meet each other again.
A few months passed and one day she told me to meet her. And it turned out she wanted to pass me a birthday present. I was pretty shocked. I did not even bother to ask when her birthday is. But still she was her usual happy self and she really did not mind that I did not care.
A few months later, Hannah asked me out for another movie again. By now, we occasionally chatted online and I felt like we were closer acquaintances than before. However, still not quite friends in the sense that I still feel obliged to be reserved. This time I did not agree straight away, I told her that I did not really feel like meeting a bunch of strangers who mostly already know each other but I do not know them. She bugged me and said that I can talk to her if I feel lonely and that she will sit beside me during the movie. After much persuasion, I agreed. As expected, all were strangers to me, this time, they were all her friends who knew each other and I was the total stranger. Like last time, I talked with them, joked with them. But at the end of the day, we left our separate ways knowing we probably will never meet each other again.
There were a couple of other times that we met again; usually it was meeting new people also. Personally I really did not like the company of strangers so much and would preferably not go out with her and her friends at all.
I did not like her in the sense that I will not wan her to be my girlfriend. But by now you are probably thinking that she likes me. That was what I suspected also. I did ask her about it and she denied. She jus said that we were just friends...and in my mind I was thinking...."friends got lidat wan meh?" So never mind...at that time I jus thought, "oh well...wadever lo." To me, she was neither a close friend nor anyone special. Yet somehow she was so nice to me.
Then last month, she asked me out again. This time she said it was a farewell gathering because she was going to emigrate to California. I asked her is there anyone in the gathering that I know and she told me that most of the people are either her ex-sec school classmates or schoolmates who know one another. This means I will be rather the odd one out again. So after a few minutes of consideration, I told her that its awkward to go to a gathering where everyone is strangers to me and I did not feel like going. This time, her reaction was unexpected. To me, I would not have cared if she declined a gathering I invited her to go. And I really do not expect her to mind that I said I do not wish to go.
I was talking to her through msn but I can tell she was pretty upset. She was angry and very disappointed. She did not wan to talk to me and when I asked her what the matter was, she said that she was having a difficult time with friends. I know she was referring to me...
I suddenly realized something about myself. That I had always been so naive, I was so stupid. And I had been so heartless. I was good in my studies, I was fit and healthy and I thought I know enough about life. I had always thought she was weird to be so nice to me, always thought that she was wasting her time with all that planning of gatherings of friends. Always think that she should spend more time with her studies and learn not to be so nice to people. Because there are people like me out there who will not care. That friends were simply acquaintances who share mutual interests with me. I had been living in a world where I felt being nice wont get me anywhere, and that I did not need anyone.
And here right there and then was this person. Hannah who I realized devoted her life to friendships. Who believed that the world can be nice, who genuinely wanted to make friends with people. Who simply wanted to be with friends, to enjoy their presence wholeheartedly and truly. Who did not think that people might harm her or laugh at her stupidity, who was so innocent and true about being a friend. To live a life where having friends is the most fulfilling thing to do. Who probably have friends who she can cry with when she is said, and laugh with when she is happy. And sit with at the end of days to smile at a life worthwhile living. Who believed in true friendships.
And I thought to myself, do I have friends who I can cry with? Do I have friends who I can share my greatest joy with? Do I have friends that I would trust my life with? I have never thought about this. I had never thought that I would need to think about it. And it breaks me then to know that I had been missing out in some things which were so important in life. And it shames me to know that I had never fulfilled any of the above to my friends. That I had been such a disappointment to the people who wanted to know me, who sincerely wanted to be my friend. People who were willing to befriend a cold heartless person like me. For once I was touched. And I broke down.
I went for the farewell gathering. She was happy to see that I was there. As expected, all the people there were strangers to me. But this time I realized something about her friends. They were all such delightful people. They were so open so carefree, in stark contrast to the people who I think I know. People who are conservative, people who keep to themselves, who live in their own petty worlds and people who I have became.
But yet these people were not totally unlike the ones I know. They were also Singaporeans. Also in the same rat race, they are the strangers I see in the street, the quiet people. The people next door who does not open their doors. The people who suffers similarly in life. Yet now here in this gathering all the veil of self-consciousness was gone. They were lively, they were cheerful, they happily accepted strangers and they treated everyone without bias. They were all friends, friends of Hannah. How ironic it is that never before did I feel so safe, and only in the company of strangers.
The next day she left for California. I was changed. Somehow, she became a sort of inspiration. An inspiration of truth and sincerity and innocence. I want to honor her belief in friendships. I want to be like her. And in my mind I know I can change. I now know what it meant to be nice, to have friends. You can say I was on a high for friendships. And then as fate would have it in this period of transition, things happened and I met someone...but that is another story…
I have a friend call Hannah whom I met during my 1st 3months in JI. She is quite unique among the people I know because she is a Taiwanese who has an American father and a Filipino mother. She was my classmate in JI but we seldom really get to have much time to spend interacting. But somehow we manage to click pretty well and I get this comfortable feeling of certain benevolence about her. She is always so friendly to everyone, so nice and kind. Never do I hear her gossip about people or claim that this or that person has this or that bad traits. And she is always very approachable. I can safely say that she was the last person who I think will harm anyone.
During my time in JI, I was pretty introverted. You can say that I was afraid or maybe unwilling to make friends. I will try not to be involved in gatherings or any games my classmates were enjoying. Even before I was ushered into the class, in the orientation group that I was in I also made an effort not to interact too much. Or rather the lack of effort to interact. And even during the orientation games, I tried to take a more quiet impression.
Because of her sociability, I tend to always only talk to her in class but still I was always very reserved. I only intended to make an acquaintance. I did not wish to put any effort into being a friend nor did I wish to make any friends. I just interacted with the people minimally who I need to know to get along in life.
After jus 3 weeks in JI, I left and hoped that I would never have anything to do with the place anymore.
Sometime later, Hannah informed me that there was a JI class gathering BBQ and asked me to come along. Feeling that I should still keep my acquaintances, I agreed to go. Throughout the event, I talked to people, joked with people, but somehow it just wasn’t very right. I knew myself that I simply did not wish to spend my time and effort in making friends. When it was over, we would go our separate ways and probably never met each other again. This is what always happens.
A few months later, I was surprised that Hannah contacted me again. This time she asked me out for a movie. I was pretty amused that someone who I absolutely did not think I was close with would ask me that, so I agreed to go. Upon arriving I realized that she had also asked a few of her friends along. The interesting thing is that, the friends that she asked along mostly do not know each other. So it was kind of like a strangers gathering where the only person we know is Hannah. It was quite interesting, knowing new people and talking about our lives. But at the end of the day, as usual, we left our separate ways knowing we probably will never meet each other again.
A few months passed and one day she told me to meet her. And it turned out she wanted to pass me a birthday present. I was pretty shocked. I did not even bother to ask when her birthday is. But still she was her usual happy self and she really did not mind that I did not care.
A few months later, Hannah asked me out for another movie again. By now, we occasionally chatted online and I felt like we were closer acquaintances than before. However, still not quite friends in the sense that I still feel obliged to be reserved. This time I did not agree straight away, I told her that I did not really feel like meeting a bunch of strangers who mostly already know each other but I do not know them. She bugged me and said that I can talk to her if I feel lonely and that she will sit beside me during the movie. After much persuasion, I agreed. As expected, all were strangers to me, this time, they were all her friends who knew each other and I was the total stranger. Like last time, I talked with them, joked with them. But at the end of the day, we left our separate ways knowing we probably will never meet each other again.
There were a couple of other times that we met again; usually it was meeting new people also. Personally I really did not like the company of strangers so much and would preferably not go out with her and her friends at all.
I did not like her in the sense that I will not wan her to be my girlfriend. But by now you are probably thinking that she likes me. That was what I suspected also. I did ask her about it and she denied. She jus said that we were just friends...and in my mind I was thinking...."friends got lidat wan meh?" So never mind...at that time I jus thought, "oh well...wadever lo." To me, she was neither a close friend nor anyone special. Yet somehow she was so nice to me.
Then last month, she asked me out again. This time she said it was a farewell gathering because she was going to emigrate to California. I asked her is there anyone in the gathering that I know and she told me that most of the people are either her ex-sec school classmates or schoolmates who know one another. This means I will be rather the odd one out again. So after a few minutes of consideration, I told her that its awkward to go to a gathering where everyone is strangers to me and I did not feel like going. This time, her reaction was unexpected. To me, I would not have cared if she declined a gathering I invited her to go. And I really do not expect her to mind that I said I do not wish to go.
I was talking to her through msn but I can tell she was pretty upset. She was angry and very disappointed. She did not wan to talk to me and when I asked her what the matter was, she said that she was having a difficult time with friends. I know she was referring to me...
I suddenly realized something about myself. That I had always been so naive, I was so stupid. And I had been so heartless. I was good in my studies, I was fit and healthy and I thought I know enough about life. I had always thought she was weird to be so nice to me, always thought that she was wasting her time with all that planning of gatherings of friends. Always think that she should spend more time with her studies and learn not to be so nice to people. Because there are people like me out there who will not care. That friends were simply acquaintances who share mutual interests with me. I had been living in a world where I felt being nice wont get me anywhere, and that I did not need anyone.
And here right there and then was this person. Hannah who I realized devoted her life to friendships. Who believed that the world can be nice, who genuinely wanted to make friends with people. Who simply wanted to be with friends, to enjoy their presence wholeheartedly and truly. Who did not think that people might harm her or laugh at her stupidity, who was so innocent and true about being a friend. To live a life where having friends is the most fulfilling thing to do. Who probably have friends who she can cry with when she is said, and laugh with when she is happy. And sit with at the end of days to smile at a life worthwhile living. Who believed in true friendships.
And I thought to myself, do I have friends who I can cry with? Do I have friends who I can share my greatest joy with? Do I have friends that I would trust my life with? I have never thought about this. I had never thought that I would need to think about it. And it breaks me then to know that I had been missing out in some things which were so important in life. And it shames me to know that I had never fulfilled any of the above to my friends. That I had been such a disappointment to the people who wanted to know me, who sincerely wanted to be my friend. People who were willing to befriend a cold heartless person like me. For once I was touched. And I broke down.
I went for the farewell gathering. She was happy to see that I was there. As expected, all the people there were strangers to me. But this time I realized something about her friends. They were all such delightful people. They were so open so carefree, in stark contrast to the people who I think I know. People who are conservative, people who keep to themselves, who live in their own petty worlds and people who I have became.
But yet these people were not totally unlike the ones I know. They were also Singaporeans. Also in the same rat race, they are the strangers I see in the street, the quiet people. The people next door who does not open their doors. The people who suffers similarly in life. Yet now here in this gathering all the veil of self-consciousness was gone. They were lively, they were cheerful, they happily accepted strangers and they treated everyone without bias. They were all friends, friends of Hannah. How ironic it is that never before did I feel so safe, and only in the company of strangers.
The next day she left for California. I was changed. Somehow, she became a sort of inspiration. An inspiration of truth and sincerity and innocence. I want to honor her belief in friendships. I want to be like her. And in my mind I know I can change. I now know what it meant to be nice, to have friends. You can say I was on a high for friendships. And then as fate would have it in this period of transition, things happened and I met someone...but that is another story…
Thursday, December 09, 2004
My Birthday
Greetings again,
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeee...happy birthday to me~)
I had never really thought much about birthdays. What are they? They have always seemed to be just like most ordinary days. Thus I did not really cared much about other peoples' birthdays as well. Perhaps consequently, I seldom recieve any birthday greetings. I didn't contemplate that my friends don't send me any greetings. These all didn't really mattered to me. Thus it has always puzzled me that so many people I know regard birthdays so sacredly. And would seem to take to heart so much that others do not wish them birthdays.
But then i've always been slightly the different, introverted. I'll prefer solitude to congregation. Silent acknowledgement to open discussion. In other words, I can say now with hindsight of myself that I was, perhaps still am, quite uncomfortable with people. I never really was able to communicate, to express myself well to other people. This inability gradually developed into a habit of avoidance. And perhaps my disregard for birthdays, my and others, is a form of this habit in manifestation.
Recently, certain events have served to change my worldview. And i've made more friends, although i'm still weary of my former reservations. Changes which perhaps I shall not discuss as yet of how and why. As with the other of my birthdays, today or rather this morning I recieved a few birthday greetings. As usual I wasn't conscious of the date and they came rather as a surprise. But then this time there was a difference, I felt some intense feelings. Perhaps the feelings have always been there without my recognising it. Feelings that causes the pausing of things and halt the flow of time. I realise that with the acknowledgement of my birthday and the greetings I recieved, will come the feeling of contentment and reassurance. But what immediately follows was a rather strong bout of grieve. A grieve set about first by the fact that my birthday was ignored or forgotten by ones whom my heart dwelled most. Grieves that struck me with the realisation of how much a disappointment I had been to others who had expected at least a birthday greeting from me. Grieves of the knowledge that I still hold on to images I have of people. Perhaps outright disregard of such events is a merciful way of escape. For one so succumbing to malevolent thoughts.
But nay. All has changed. Birthdays shall be wished upon as they come. =)
~For all that I seek and know, in reverance I bare the acknowledgement~
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeee...happy birthday to me~)
I had never really thought much about birthdays. What are they? They have always seemed to be just like most ordinary days. Thus I did not really cared much about other peoples' birthdays as well. Perhaps consequently, I seldom recieve any birthday greetings. I didn't contemplate that my friends don't send me any greetings. These all didn't really mattered to me. Thus it has always puzzled me that so many people I know regard birthdays so sacredly. And would seem to take to heart so much that others do not wish them birthdays.
But then i've always been slightly the different, introverted. I'll prefer solitude to congregation. Silent acknowledgement to open discussion. In other words, I can say now with hindsight of myself that I was, perhaps still am, quite uncomfortable with people. I never really was able to communicate, to express myself well to other people. This inability gradually developed into a habit of avoidance. And perhaps my disregard for birthdays, my and others, is a form of this habit in manifestation.
Recently, certain events have served to change my worldview. And i've made more friends, although i'm still weary of my former reservations. Changes which perhaps I shall not discuss as yet of how and why. As with the other of my birthdays, today or rather this morning I recieved a few birthday greetings. As usual I wasn't conscious of the date and they came rather as a surprise. But then this time there was a difference, I felt some intense feelings. Perhaps the feelings have always been there without my recognising it. Feelings that causes the pausing of things and halt the flow of time. I realise that with the acknowledgement of my birthday and the greetings I recieved, will come the feeling of contentment and reassurance. But what immediately follows was a rather strong bout of grieve. A grieve set about first by the fact that my birthday was ignored or forgotten by ones whom my heart dwelled most. Grieves that struck me with the realisation of how much a disappointment I had been to others who had expected at least a birthday greeting from me. Grieves of the knowledge that I still hold on to images I have of people. Perhaps outright disregard of such events is a merciful way of escape. For one so succumbing to malevolent thoughts.
But nay. All has changed. Birthdays shall be wished upon as they come. =)
~For all that I seek and know, in reverance I bare the acknowledgement~
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