Tribute to Friendship

Greetings again,

I have a friend call Hannah whom I met during my 1st 3months in JI. She is quite unique among the people I know because she is a Taiwanese who has an American father and a Filipino mother. She was my classmate in JI but we seldom really get to have much time to spend interacting. But somehow we manage to click pretty well and I get this comfortable feeling of certain benevolence about her. She is always so friendly to everyone, so nice and kind. Never do I hear her gossip about people or claim that this or that person has this or that bad traits. And she is always very approachable. I can safely say that she was the last person who I think will harm anyone.

During my time in JI, I was pretty introverted. You can say that I was afraid or maybe unwilling to make friends. I will try not to be involved in gatherings or any games my classmates were enjoying. Even before I was ushered into the class, in the orientation group that I was in I also made an effort not to interact too much. Or rather the lack of effort to interact. And even during the orientation games, I tried to take a more quiet impression.
Because of her sociability, I tend to always only talk to her in class but still I was always very reserved. I only intended to make an acquaintance. I did not wish to put any effort into being a friend nor did I wish to make any friends. I just interacted with the people minimally who I need to know to get along in life.
After jus 3 weeks in JI, I left and hoped that I would never have anything to do with the place anymore.
Sometime later, Hannah informed me that there was a JI class gathering BBQ and asked me to come along. Feeling that I should still keep my acquaintances, I agreed to go. Throughout the event, I talked to people, joked with people, but somehow it just wasn’t very right. I knew myself that I simply did not wish to spend my time and effort in making friends. When it was over, we would go our separate ways and probably never met each other again. This is what always happens.

A few months later, I was surprised that Hannah contacted me again. This time she asked me out for a movie. I was pretty amused that someone who I absolutely did not think I was close with would ask me that, so I agreed to go. Upon arriving I realized that she had also asked a few of her friends along. The interesting thing is that, the friends that she asked along mostly do not know each other. So it was kind of like a strangers gathering where the only person we know is Hannah. It was quite interesting, knowing new people and talking about our lives. But at the end of the day, as usual, we left our separate ways knowing we probably will never meet each other again.

A few months passed and one day she told me to meet her. And it turned out she wanted to pass me a birthday present. I was pretty shocked. I did not even bother to ask when her birthday is. But still she was her usual happy self and she really did not mind that I did not care.

A few months later, Hannah asked me out for another movie again. By now, we occasionally chatted online and I felt like we were closer acquaintances than before. However, still not quite friends in the sense that I still feel obliged to be reserved. This time I did not agree straight away, I told her that I did not really feel like meeting a bunch of strangers who mostly already know each other but I do not know them. She bugged me and said that I can talk to her if I feel lonely and that she will sit beside me during the movie. After much persuasion, I agreed. As expected, all were strangers to me, this time, they were all her friends who knew each other and I was the total stranger. Like last time, I talked with them, joked with them. But at the end of the day, we left our separate ways knowing we probably will never meet each other again.

There were a couple of other times that we met again; usually it was meeting new people also. Personally I really did not like the company of strangers so much and would preferably not go out with her and her friends at all.

I did not like her in the sense that I will not wan her to be my girlfriend. But by now you are probably thinking that she likes me. That was what I suspected also. I did ask her about it and she denied. She jus said that we were just friends...and in my mind I was thinking...."friends got lidat wan meh?" So never mind...at that time I jus thought, "oh well...wadever lo." To me, she was neither a close friend nor anyone special. Yet somehow she was so nice to me.

Then last month, she asked me out again. This time she said it was a farewell gathering because she was going to emigrate to California. I asked her is there anyone in the gathering that I know and she told me that most of the people are either her ex-sec school classmates or schoolmates who know one another. This means I will be rather the odd one out again. So after a few minutes of consideration, I told her that its awkward to go to a gathering where everyone is strangers to me and I did not feel like going. This time, her reaction was unexpected. To me, I would not have cared if she declined a gathering I invited her to go. And I really do not expect her to mind that I said I do not wish to go.

I was talking to her through msn but I can tell she was pretty upset. She was angry and very disappointed. She did not wan to talk to me and when I asked her what the matter was, she said that she was having a difficult time with friends. I know she was referring to me...

I suddenly realized something about myself. That I had always been so naive, I was so stupid. And I had been so heartless. I was good in my studies, I was fit and healthy and I thought I know enough about life. I had always thought she was weird to be so nice to me, always thought that she was wasting her time with all that planning of gatherings of friends. Always think that she should spend more time with her studies and learn not to be so nice to people. Because there are people like me out there who will not care. That friends were simply acquaintances who share mutual interests with me. I had been living in a world where I felt being nice wont get me anywhere, and that I did not need anyone.

And here right there and then was this person. Hannah who I realized devoted her life to friendships. Who believed that the world can be nice, who genuinely wanted to make friends with people. Who simply wanted to be with friends, to enjoy their presence wholeheartedly and truly. Who did not think that people might harm her or laugh at her stupidity, who was so innocent and true about being a friend. To live a life where having friends is the most fulfilling thing to do. Who probably have friends who she can cry with when she is said, and laugh with when she is happy. And sit with at the end of days to smile at a life worthwhile living. Who believed in true friendships.

And I thought to myself, do I have friends who I can cry with? Do I have friends who I can share my greatest joy with? Do I have friends that I would trust my life with? I have never thought about this. I had never thought that I would need to think about it. And it breaks me then to know that I had been missing out in some things which were so important in life. And it shames me to know that I had never fulfilled any of the above to my friends. That I had been such a disappointment to the people who wanted to know me, who sincerely wanted to be my friend. People who were willing to befriend a cold heartless person like me. For once I was touched. And I broke down.

I went for the farewell gathering. She was happy to see that I was there. As expected, all the people there were strangers to me. But this time I realized something about her friends. They were all such delightful people. They were so open so carefree, in stark contrast to the people who I think I know. People who are conservative, people who keep to themselves, who live in their own petty worlds and people who I have became.

But yet these people were not totally unlike the ones I know. They were also Singaporeans. Also in the same rat race, they are the strangers I see in the street, the quiet people. The people next door who does not open their doors. The people who suffers similarly in life. Yet now here in this gathering all the veil of self-consciousness was gone. They were lively, they were cheerful, they happily accepted strangers and they treated everyone without bias. They were all friends, friends of Hannah. How ironic it is that never before did I feel so safe, and only in the company of strangers.

The next day she left for California. I was changed. Somehow, she became a sort of inspiration. An inspiration of truth and sincerity and innocence. I want to honor her belief in friendships. I want to be like her. And in my mind I know I can change. I now know what it meant to be nice, to have friends. You can say I was on a high for friendships. And then as fate would have it in this period of transition, things happened and I met someone...but that is another story…